Indecision

I don't like to answer the question of how I am doing. Such a simple question. But its like a crossroads answer. If you tell them "yes, Im good" then the other person will think you are good and will leave you be. Whereas on the other hand, if you tell them the truth, "No I am not okay, I am far from okay." They will respond with concern and bother you and ask what is wrong when all I want to do is curl up in a ball a disappear and not be bombarded with these stupid questions that wont help me at all. I should just lie and avoid everything. But it just takes so much effort to keep being fake happy. Dammit.

Let’s stop saying we’re fine

We all want to know, how it ends.

Oh, happily ever after, wouldn't you know, wouldn't you know.
Oh, skip to the ending, who'd like to know, I'd like to know.
Author of the moment, can you tell me, do I end up, do I end up happy?

"You know that feeling, when you can actually feel your heart breaking. Like the only solid thing inside you that is keeping you sane, is slowly tearing apart? And when you know your going to cry, and your cheeks start to feel hot, and you start to shake and then the tears come, and they dont stop. And its almost like your body has lost control and you just cant feel anything anymore. Your numb. And empty. And cold. And you cant fix it, the truth is, no one can. And now your stuck, feeling like a mess and wanting to just die right there and then, but no one knows this and no one cares, because your alone. And you always will be."

Curse weekday holidays

Can I just skip school on this Halloween so I can spend all day adventuring for 90% off sales and then spend the rest of the day getting free candy in my cool beans Nutella costume?

I lie. Lie Lie Lie lalala Lie.

The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than the living size then they’re brought out.
— Stephen King

I need people to just be mind readers so I don't have to explain my way out of things. I have a horrible way of explaining my way out of things because I recently realized I have this hideous habit of lying. And its not just small little white lies I pop out on a casual day to day basis; it includes big lies, stretched lies, believable lies where even I forget they're lies in the first place. And sometimes, they're not even the most important things either. But they become lies that grow bigger and bigger until I get caught up in them and then someone gets hurt or my mind goes crazy and I confess anyways, and someone still gets hurt. Why do I do this? I really have no idea. I try my best to be as honest and keep things running smooth, but something always slithers out and I end up saying the wrong thing. I need to stop. Not because I think its some great sin or because it's wrong, but because of how much I've realized it ends up hurting people, maybe even myself (and how I do very much care about not hurting other people). I don't really catch myself in the act. And I dont really feel it affect me until the act is done and its too late, my heart beats fast and then my conscience gets all over my business again pointing fingers, shouting "YOU LIED YOU LIED YOU DID IT AGAIN YOU HORRIBLE SOUL YOU." I just watch myself do it. Spectators view.

So in order to repent from my dirty dirty habit, I have decided to keep a Lie Journal. It's quite brilliant actually. Next time I notice myself lying, I will write it down, the exact lie, context, day & time it took place. At least Im trying. Maybe then I'll notice how much I lie and it'll help my word vomit stop from coming out before I can stop myself. Some things just don't need to be said.

There needs to be a facebook thing for Dads who dont keep in touch with their children, so that when its their birthday, the children dont have to make an awkward phone call to say Happy Birthday, but rather just type the same thing on facebook and get it over with. Awkwardness aside.