Sunday, June 21, 2009
Up Your Fathers Day
So I called my dad like, 24 minutes ago.. Finally. What a horrible holiday. I know its bad to say that, I do want to get to know my father more. But I just cant. I just cant..
Ring.Ring.
(Clears throat. sniffs.) Hello?
Heeey Dad!
Oh..hey. I thought you forgot about me. (sounds sad)
Nahh I didnt forget, psshh no. Of course not..
Silence
So umm, yeah..
Hows school?**Happy Fathers Day (At the same time)
Silence
Oh..Thank you.
Whatare you doing dad?
On the computer, mostly nothing.
Oh, hows work?
Ehhh its fine.
More silence
So you going to do anything today?
No. Did you call Grandpa?
Yeah Im going to later, just wanted to call you first. Ha..
Oh Thats nice.
Oh.. well alright. Well then, Happy Fathers Day Dad!.. Uhh. Bye.
Kay Thanks for calling, and Im happy you didnt forget me. Haha
Ohh haha Alrright then, End. Wow.
Awhile after I called my grandpa. annd it was so much easier talking to him. He actually talked, but it was so easy talking to him. The mere fact of knowing this made me sad. Why cant I talk to my dad like this? So happy and awkward free. My grandpa told me that me calling him completely made his day. He told me that no one else called him to wish him Happy Fathers Day, not even my dad. But it just made him so happy to know that I called him. Hhaa it made me smile. I know my father does love me, and also wants to get to know me better. But it just gets so hard. I had this short talk about him with my mom later asking her what it was like when she was with him and why she thought she loved him. Her reply ended with a biast comment on how horrible he is now. End of the story. Sigh, This is what you get with Divorced Parents; awkward conversations, more parents than you really need, and a complete misunderstanding of your past.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Do You Have A Problem With Third Person Omniscient?
Three minutes, twenty-two seconds and while after the phone call, the girl laid in bed and stared at the wall. The realization hadnt hit her yet that the boy was going to be gone for a fucking long ass time. Yet the pain was still there..
Compared to what you see in movies, what you hear from people, running away is the easiest thing to do in my house. I guess I do have it pretty good compared to other people, too good. Sitting here, outside in the crisp summer air, youd think itd be hotter. But the weathers been pretty forgiving lately, probably an apology for being so mfcking messed up. But its not for a real thing, only for a few hours before everyone wakes up. I just needed to get away. And from this huge headache that Im starting to get now from time to time and more than ever.
I missed his call, three times. I couldnt feel it, so I didnt pick up. But of course, I was still thinking about him and the things to do once he gets back. This summer was going to be the best summer in my whole life. But this one thing had to fucking ruin it. Even for a few more weeks, I could live with. A month, maybe. Two months, Id be on the edge; but at least Id know that in that last month of our actual summer, Id be able to spend it with him. But thats not happening, and theres no way of knowing elsewhere. I was so excited, so ready to see him smile, laugh, & love him again. To get lost in his arms and hug him forever. Yet the only thing that happened is the MSOS. And whats worse? I cant do anything about it.
No one suspected a thing. My backpack was already at the door, so I just said I wanted to sleep and locked my room & left. I bet if I really, really wanted to leave, you would had never noticed till the next day after. Why do I always have everything so fucking good? But I dont, I really dont.
Theres no where else to really go now. This whole last week was the most fucked up week without him. I tried to have fun & I did. Not a single day was wasted. I just told myself that I was going to see him in a week anyways. Because one week isnt bad, hell no. Wtf was I thinking?
A few moments after, the realization of the news kicked in. And it resulted in anger. Furious rage that she was even embarresed she could ever think to be, or handle. Could there really be such people? How could anyone be so fucked?, she thought. Not knowing what to do, she arose from her bed and decided she what she needed to do. She felt too helpless. She felt too lost. She needed to talk to someone, anyone. But even more than that, she needed to talk to him. She wanted to talk to him, but of course, that was impossible. That was halfway across the world. And everyone knows connection is bad. And expensive. Limiting calls to a few minutes tops. But this girl didnt care, shed spend her whole life savings just to talk to this boy. No number, unknown. No way of contact at all to the boy so far away, so, she decided to vent.
Considering the the unusually early time she scrolled through her phone. The first number she called didnt pick up. She didnt try again. The second number, she texted, yet didnt reply back. However, the third, Thank God for the third, replied in a mere matter of seconds. Now the girl rarely talked the the third, she barely even knew him. But he was the only person she could think to contact, and she took the chance..
Now only moments earlier, those thoughts of intense rage were replaced by bits of optimistic hope. Although it was the same incertain hope to what ruined her in the first place, this was a new hope. A better hope. Because even though there was a very low chance she would be able to see this boy over the course of the next 3 months, she was somewhat excited (but only slightly). They would be like the Go Getters, describing each others journeys of their two seperate worlds at 2 AM every morning (despite the unreliable reception). They would send letters, once they get the chance. And most of all, they would Remember and never forget till the day comes in the sixty-nine days, twenty hours and fifty miuntes until the time the boy would finally come back. Then the girl would be able to sink her face into his shirt, hugging him forever again once more. Because one thing was certain, this girl Really Fucking Missed this boy so far away, halfway acorss this messed up world.
Compared to what you see in movies, what you hear from people, running away is the easiest thing to do in my house. I guess I do have it pretty good compared to other people, too good. Sitting here, outside in the crisp summer air, youd think itd be hotter. But the weathers been pretty forgiving lately, probably an apology for being so mfcking messed up. But its not for a real thing, only for a few hours before everyone wakes up. I just needed to get away. And from this huge headache that Im starting to get now from time to time and more than ever.
I missed his call, three times. I couldnt feel it, so I didnt pick up. But of course, I was still thinking about him and the things to do once he gets back. This summer was going to be the best summer in my whole life. But this one thing had to fucking ruin it. Even for a few more weeks, I could live with. A month, maybe. Two months, Id be on the edge; but at least Id know that in that last month of our actual summer, Id be able to spend it with him. But thats not happening, and theres no way of knowing elsewhere. I was so excited, so ready to see him smile, laugh, & love him again. To get lost in his arms and hug him forever. Yet the only thing that happened is the MSOS. And whats worse? I cant do anything about it.
No one suspected a thing. My backpack was already at the door, so I just said I wanted to sleep and locked my room & left. I bet if I really, really wanted to leave, you would had never noticed till the next day after. Why do I always have everything so fucking good? But I dont, I really dont.
Theres no where else to really go now. This whole last week was the most fucked up week without him. I tried to have fun & I did. Not a single day was wasted. I just told myself that I was going to see him in a week anyways. Because one week isnt bad, hell no. Wtf was I thinking?
A few moments after, the realization of the news kicked in. And it resulted in anger. Furious rage that she was even embarresed she could ever think to be, or handle. Could there really be such people? How could anyone be so fucked?, she thought. Not knowing what to do, she arose from her bed and decided she what she needed to do. She felt too helpless. She felt too lost. She needed to talk to someone, anyone. But even more than that, she needed to talk to him. She wanted to talk to him, but of course, that was impossible. That was halfway across the world. And everyone knows connection is bad. And expensive. Limiting calls to a few minutes tops. But this girl didnt care, shed spend her whole life savings just to talk to this boy. No number, unknown. No way of contact at all to the boy so far away, so, she decided to vent.
Considering the the unusually early time she scrolled through her phone. The first number she called didnt pick up. She didnt try again. The second number, she texted, yet didnt reply back. However, the third, Thank God for the third, replied in a mere matter of seconds. Now the girl rarely talked the the third, she barely even knew him. But he was the only person she could think to contact, and she took the chance..
Now only moments earlier, those thoughts of intense rage were replaced by bits of optimistic hope. Although it was the same incertain hope to what ruined her in the first place, this was a new hope. A better hope. Because even though there was a very low chance she would be able to see this boy over the course of the next 3 months, she was somewhat excited (but only slightly). They would be like the Go Getters, describing each others journeys of their two seperate worlds at 2 AM every morning (despite the unreliable reception). They would send letters, once they get the chance. And most of all, they would Remember and never forget till the day comes in the sixty-nine days, twenty hours and fifty miuntes until the time the boy would finally come back. Then the girl would be able to sink her face into his shirt, hugging him forever again once more. Because one thing was certain, this girl Really Fucking Missed this boy so far away, halfway acorss this messed up world.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Dear _________
I dont give a fuck what you want or dont want to do. When someone suggests something, howsabout you go with that plan and dont complain about it. Maybe some of these things are fun to some of us, ever thought about that? Even though it may sound as great to you, it doesnt mean we should change our entire plan just to go with what you want. It takes so much to satisfy you and I try so hard to make you even remotedly happy but apparently my attempts are to pathetic to you in your eyes. I know you probably get what you want all the time, but not with me. Because I seriously DONT GIVE A FUCK about what you want to do. So next time you even think about it, STFU you stuck up, degrading ass.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Dreamworld.
I just awoke from an actually really peaceful and relaxing nap. I dont usually have peaceful, relaxing naps. Maybe its the new bed sheets.. Who knew new bed sheets could help your sense of sleep? But ever since I was forced to change them to these storage smelling cotton gray sheets, Ive been sleeping like a dream. Which is good too since I have Finals in the next two days. I feel very much Intensely Amazing as of this moment.
I should be studying. I will blog later.
I should be studying. I will blog later.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Crapdays
Freshman year is done. Finis.
Three years left. It’s almost over. Just three more days and three years. Why couldnt it just come by any faster? Even if I haven’t gotten to the places I thought I would be at this point, Im looking forward to the next three months of summer more than anything.
Lately, Ive been getting in this habit of loosing things. And you know how much I hate loosing things. My life is being bombarded by endless calamities that slowly contribute to the reason to why today was a really, really crappy day. I find myself wondering what the hell motivated me here in the first place. And these reasons arent even mine, theyre just so fucked up they affect my life much more than it may anyone else. Thats the kind of day I've been having lately.
But now, I am trying something new. Something a bit out of the ordinary (at least for me). It may not even work, but could end up to be better than nothing at all. I spent years trying to make people feel comfortable and happy. Now, Im just done. Im done trying to make people satisfied when they clearly do not deserve to feel that way. Im done pretending I care about something just to feel like I belong or need someone to be with so I wouldnt feel alone. Im sick of the people taking advantage of my gullible nature. I would be feeling a million things as of now; yet overall, Im just relieved. I dont even want to pretend. I dont see the reason to smile when theres nothing to actually smile to. How did I get here? To the point where my days are just an exercise of stamina? To the point where I wake up and scratch off a day on the calendar like a prisoner? Its a good thing theres only three more days left. Three last days and Ill finally be able to let out the biggest sigh of my life.. Till next year that is.
[19:40] kaycyong: You know what?
[19:40] kaycyong: Kyra Chu-ying Yong should be in your generals section.
[19:41] cammicam says: should she?
[19:42] cammicam says: whose that?
[19:45] kaycyong: That.. hurt.
[19:46] cammicam says: =)
Three years left. It’s almost over. Just three more days and three years. Why couldnt it just come by any faster? Even if I haven’t gotten to the places I thought I would be at this point, Im looking forward to the next three months of summer more than anything.
Lately, Ive been getting in this habit of loosing things. And you know how much I hate loosing things. My life is being bombarded by endless calamities that slowly contribute to the reason to why today was a really, really crappy day. I find myself wondering what the hell motivated me here in the first place. And these reasons arent even mine, theyre just so fucked up they affect my life much more than it may anyone else. Thats the kind of day I've been having lately.
But now, I am trying something new. Something a bit out of the ordinary (at least for me). It may not even work, but could end up to be better than nothing at all. I spent years trying to make people feel comfortable and happy. Now, Im just done. Im done trying to make people satisfied when they clearly do not deserve to feel that way. Im done pretending I care about something just to feel like I belong or need someone to be with so I wouldnt feel alone. Im sick of the people taking advantage of my gullible nature. I would be feeling a million things as of now; yet overall, Im just relieved. I dont even want to pretend. I dont see the reason to smile when theres nothing to actually smile to. How did I get here? To the point where my days are just an exercise of stamina? To the point where I wake up and scratch off a day on the calendar like a prisoner? Its a good thing theres only three more days left. Three last days and Ill finally be able to let out the biggest sigh of my life.. Till next year that is.
[19:40] kaycyong: You know what?
[19:40] kaycyong: Kyra Chu-ying Yong should be in your generals section.
[19:41] cammicam says: should she?
[19:42] cammicam says: whose that?
[19:45] kaycyong: That.. hurt.
[19:46] cammicam says: =)
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