The Biggest Fear

Causing you pain and being forgotten into nothing. Today was the hardest day in the world. My mind is pretty blank right now. Fcking Swine Flu. At first I thought it would be nothing. News that comes and goes. But now its everywhere and around anything. Its even affecting the world around us at school, home, family. The people who are supposedly sick (see here). Fcking Swine Flu, for serious.
Annd maybe asian parents.
**Kinda sorta Snow Patrol high right now, especially with "You Could Be Happy" and "Chocolate." I wish I had this on my music.

(500) Days of Summer

I am terrified of beautiful days. Petrified. Absolutely petrified. The thing about beautiful days is that they tend to host some of the worst events in history. Such as my shitface days. I find myself most at comfort on those days when it's gray, rainy, and cold. Like today, well this morning at least. The mist is like an armor protecting the fragile existence we all survive in. It's almost like the weather is the perfect excuse for my shitface feelings to take a day off. That is the reason to why I am so terrified of beautiful days. Petrified. Absolutely petrified.

I really seriously want to watch this movie. I LOVE Zooey Deschannel movies. Its a shame its not out yet. July 17th, Im going to be one of the first in line to watch this. Anyone else want to join?

I think life and television have come to a point where they have become pretty much the same thing. There's plenty of drama in real life. Figuring yourself out (see here), dealing with crap situations (fcking parents), making mistakes and dealing with the consequences. Its pretty messed up. But theres something about the stylized version of this pursuit of self that is so Unreal, that I wonder if we're all cheating ourselves. Looking at a life that isnt real and comparing it our own existence, cheapens the history that you are living and takes away the moment of your own escape. Maybe its because at the end of the day, that's all we have.

Mission Accomplished

Today, Saturday morning that is, was one of those days that you know will be a memory. Its the feeling of when you look back and realize that this was before.

And it was absolutely lovely.

Just lovely.

Ive said it before, but my relationship with the city of Walnut is depressing. I truly believe that I was not destined to live here. And I spent the 3 years living here debating the reasons of whether there is a better place. I grew more and more reticent about this eventuality. But theres always something off, always Someone, that keeps me from cracking. I mean, I like Walnut. But every time I feel that surge of adventure (like for yesterday or every weekend in general) theres always no where to go. NO PLACE AT ALL. I always feel like I couldn't stop. Walnut makes you feel like you have to keep moving, keep going and keep up. Its exhausting. Like theres no space to sit. To breathe. To wait. Youre expected to keep moving because if you stop, your screwed. I just need to try to find something that's real right in front of me in the square town I currently occupy..

There is the constant undercurrent of the days, afternoons, and nights that stream into each other seamlessly. Time has reverted to that period of life when you can't recall the specific day of the week or month and all you know is that it is almost summer. I like the idea to the feeling of summer. Dont we all? Wake up whenever, make breakfast whenever, bug people to get up anytime, and begin the day whenever. Chill, go out, watch TV, make lunch, eat dinner, clean, and go back to bed. Rinse. Repeat.

I really cant wait. But for now, Seeya.

Slurpme

Today after school, I went to Camerenes house. After raiding her fridge for milk, leftovers, and oreos I apparently passed out on her bed since the last thing I remember is Camerene talking to me and then drifting off into 500 degree weather. When I woke up, I felt a little better but I was still in a bad mood and decided to get some slurpees from 7/11. Bad mistake, I have a headache and this slurpees getting to me.

Possible schedule for Sophmore year(In no particular order):
-Mustang Update*
-Racket Sports
-Algebra 2H
-French 1
-Chemistry H
-English 2 H
-Human Geo AP* (*=Maybe for Honors classes)
Im not so sure about taking Mustang Update since this years class was sort of lame. Pretty really lame. But then again Im still thinking about it. If not, probably Digital Photography/ Videomaking semester classes. Today was the first day to our CSTs. I hate how a simple multiple choice test can determine the rest of your life. They put so much pressure on us they dont even come close to understanding the damage theyre doing to us. And when I say they, I mean THEY. You know who you are.

Good news though, the highest it will get tomorrow will be to the 70's. YES. Maybe then I wont feel as shitfaced as I felt today. Im going to go take a nice hot steamy shower now, Have a goodnight. One day down, 37 more to go.

Autopilot

Current State: The Warning by Hot Chip
Ive been relating my mood to music lately. I just happen to find these songs that I could relate to so well. It probably never happened to me before for the only reason that I never really cared about the lyrics. Usually, Id like a song for its music or beat. But now, I’m becoming obsessed with the lyrics and I want to find their meaning. I think its becoming another phase.

When there is just nothing that makes me smile anymore, not my family, friends, nothing; I go to the apples. I peel a bunch of Costco Fuji apples and go eat them while reading a nice book with some relaxing iPod music to play in the background. And why did I feel I should do this today? I have no idea. I feel as if Im living life on Autopilot. I cant really think Right right now. Things come out wrong and Id spend my free time doing nothing. I keep feeling this constant feeling of apathy and I feel like shit. Okay, not really. Maybe not as much now. But I’m just really sad that today isnt Friday yet. I want to erase these feelings. I want to feel better again. I want to be around people having fun, but then again, I want to be alone. Im pretty much done with school. Im just not as interested anymore and even with the CSTs coming up, I still don’t have the motivation to sit through another day of classes. Ive noticed we may all be so different, but were all the same. In the end, we all want the same thing. We all want to leave school to live on our own, to have our own lives to do what we want. No uptight parents or messed up adults to ruin it all. Seriously.

And for you, youre probably sick of my complaints. Im sorry if this has been bothering you and Im sorry for making you worry. Im trying my best to stop feeling this way. Okay I will.

I need an apple right now. Have a good end to the day. The next two are gonna take forever.

A Tribute From Microsoft Word

So I was typing around on Microsoft word and found this translating button you can use to change what you wrote into different languages. I changed it from French, so what youd read would be a bit off. Youll see what I mean.

Anglais in Microsoft Translation
I was once an avowed European extremist. I still am. I adored most things European and still do, which is why this post today is going to be written in French. Business with it.

I realize that I have been addicted to almost everything. I feel like my character is very indecisive and tricky, and can change its obsession and addiction at any time. I have gone from being addicted to people, work, situations, food, feelings, to power etc. Lately I have been experiencing a lingering sadness around me. If my complicated being gets on your nerves, I really am very much of apologies. Today I felt like I may have a melt down. I skipped part of 5th today just to escape to the Nurses office. How feeble of me. I was looking for a place where I could get lost. I felt that I just wanted to go to a place where nobody would know and disappear. I was not feeling very premium and all I wanted was to go in a corner and achieve the repose. There are no great problems in my life. I am just a modern person whose life misses significance. How completely stereotyped (How cliche). I find myself living on thoughts of before and daydreams of tomorrow.

But now, thanks to This One certain amazing someone, now I’m vibrantly alive and fully living each day no matter what’s going on in my life situation. When I feel down, you bring me up. I know, I know. But I say, I believe, you ARE perfect, the amazing infinite meaning to perfection. I would have never gotten over my feeling of crapulence today if it were not for you. You had me realize that I have a quality really amazing reason to deal with everything. You have shown me what I have forgotten, and I thank you for that.

Dammit

I cant find my Biology notebook anywhere.

What An Epic Time

Well we obviously never went airsofting. Since everyone was either out or had plans, today was supposed to be Finish Homework Day. But that also didnt work out, it was better. I love how things that arent planned always seem to work out. Instead of Airsofting or Homework Day today was 'Pokemon/Nacho Stator Bros/Pick Up/Puente Movies/Dragonball Z/I Love You Man/Krispie Kreme & Sears/Explore the Halls of Malls/Gas Station/M&Ms Day'Enough said.

I feel really bad when people feel like the third (5th in this case) wheel or anything. Dragonball Z really felt like a waste of an hour of my life, but it was pretty fun watching it. Brought back some nice ol' memories (sniff) Haha. We were supposed to watch Observe and Report, which I never heard of till today. But ended up watching I Love You Man. Which was... bleh. I swear Puente is the easiest place to sneak in for the movies, all I spent today was for a nice White Cherry Icee. Mmm. The rest were well spent Cookies hehe.

LESSON LEARNED: Malls have the best halls to explore in, try getting through the back walls and then youll see what I mean. It was great. I wish there was more time in the day. Time passes by so fast, its hard to imagine its Friday already. Usually Im all for Fridays (TGI Friday status all the way), but Im not looking forward to Fridays as much. I wish Fridays never came, well for now that is. Still, its one day down, two more to go. Then back to school..

*So apparently I have a lot of talent and I am recommended to "do something about it". Ahaa

Endless Plans and Allergy Weather

Im getting pretty sick of people saying FML or thinking FML, saying it over and over and over. Stop it. Seriously, My god. When did this become such a trend? When the sky is so heavily overcast, the sun hasn't disappeared. It's still there, on the other side of the clouds. You really cant have good without bad. Our emotions are so illusionally predictable. What is sometimes wrongly called joy is actually the usually short-lived pleasure side of the continuously alternating pain/happy cycle. Probably the very thing that makes you happy today, will bring you pain tomorrow, or it will leave you, so its absence will give you pain. You say love may be a pleasurable and exciting emotion/feeling/whatever. But its an addictive clinging, an extremely needy condition. After the initial euphoria has passed, our relationships tend to change between love and attraction to hate and regret. Thats what people worry about the most. It wouldnt make you suffer, how could it? This feeling doesn't suddenly turn into hate, nor does real joy into pain. We will always have FML status in our lives but could you please stop with announcing to the whole world that your life is fucked? Just deal with it and soon a new pleasure will come and all this feeling will float away into everything else. God.

Well things arent at FML status for me. Yesterday, Id rate our Adventure Day a 8 outta 10. You can read more about it on Camerenes Blog (Delusions of Reality), Im too lazy. Im still in the process of clearing my mind to stop thinking of stupid nothings.

Today(Day 5) was 'Lets Jest Chill/Bus/Hotdogs/Slumdog Millionaire/Guitar Hero/Roof/=)/Bustalk to Haseebs House Day'. I slept over at Camerenes house so I didnt sleep that good. Yet Id say today is a 8.5 out of 10. Hopefully, our plans for airsofting will actually come together and then Friday will be our 'Airsofting/ Jack off Day'. Sweet.

Current State_Relaxed

Its all been pretty swell. And Im planning to not waste a second on this week of Spring Break for sure. Goodbye school, hello life. For now that is. (sigh)

Id recap everything that happened in the first 3 days of Break, but thats too much. Sunday: I hate those days where everyones out with their smiles and friends when your stuck at home with no one. All you can do is eat and watch online movies and you just feel so useless and full of nothing. These are the times when you just cant really do much to help it and thats what bothers me the most. Afterwards though, that sort of changed. All we need is a little time. I get lost in escaping on roofs just to get away and staring at the moon all day.

In 8 hours and 25 min, Today is going to be our new Adventure day. Our plan is to take the first bus to Pasadena and if we get lost who cares? Tomorrow is going to be the definition of Spotanaity. We all made a promise that there will be no complaining, no shitfaced, no bad. Everything tomorrow will be good and nothing of it. Until then, Ill update later. Have a nice morning.

Update (Not Really)

This post is for Camerene because she says I dont update my blog enough. Is that better? ..How about now?

So I was watching the news just now and they say President Obama met with the Queen of England today, and reportedly gave her an iPod. They described his gift as an act of "casual gesture." Idk, it sort of is since youd think youd get the QUEEN of England something better than an iPod as a gift.Its pretty random. But hell, ID want an iPod from the President personalized with 5 million songs. But thats jest me. Everyones making it a big deal about it though. Basically all the news station youd watch is comparing Obama to Bush saying "If Bush gave the Queen an iPod, hed be look down upon but oh no, not Obama.. cause hes cool, hes hip." I hate it when those tacky lame newsreporters say that--"hip." Stop it. But apparently, they also say this isnt the first time Obama gave a British leader a tech-based gift. When teh Prime Minister visited the United States, Obama gave him 25 of his favorite movies on DVD.. But they only worked in America. Haahha wow.

Ahh I feel like this post doesn't mean anything, or doesn't make any sense, so Im going to stop here. Seeya.