When the hell did I get so flippin insecure?

Mend the bond torn by pride

Well if you haven't noticed already, it is certainly very difficult for me to forgive someone, or admit to any kind of wrong doing. Whether its my dogmatic pride clinging to my being; I can't even think up the words to begin forgiveness. I have no faith in my forgiveness at all & sooner than you'd realize, I'd hold severely damaging grudges- even if I may have "forgiven you". Empty words. I never thought I'd be the person to hold such grudges (since I've frowned upon how pathetic it is to never move on) but here I am, the sweet little short haired hypocrite.

I hate when these moments happen. Of course it's easy for you. But you have to understand what I go through. Unlike you, it's hard for me to just pin point a problem and explain it out loud. I can't just tell you a tangible explanation of why I did what I did, you have to simply be patient with me, and TRY understanding, pride aside. I guess you'd say it's unfair that you'd have to push your pride away first in order to understand me, but you certainly seem more self aware than I ever will be. You could sit there silently and list out your points just as that, whereas all I do is take it all in and break the faucet of uncontrollable tears. I don't even cry that hard, yet my ears begin to throb, as if I'm going deaf and it refuses to hear anymore hurtful things.

I am honestly really hurt right now.

There.

I laid that out for you.

I would like to think I at least seem like I'm trying, like I try to see things from your perspective and not argue for my side, but apparently I don't. I don't know what the problems are. I wish you could understand how I feel, what I think and had to keep from you to stay happy. But I guess all those hidden lies are about to surface and they're becoming pretty apparent. All that arguing and I'm so tired already. I know, we have to talk out these problems, but a lot of times I wish we could just act like it never happened and keep on. The happiness isn't fake though. If that's what you're worried about. It's true genuinely caring love happiness. But I guess that's not enough to keep you from watching the TV instead of holding a dinner conversation with me.

A Midnight in Paris

“Nostalgia is denial. Denial of the painful present. The name for this denial is Golden Age thinking - the erroneous notion that a different time period is better than the one ones living in - its a flaw in the romantic imagination of those people who find it difficult to cope with the present.”

@#$%^&

Orientation tomorrow. Both excited and unprepared (of course). Hopefully I don't make a fool of myself! Sigh.. to my meaty Ms. Trunchbull man calves.

Whores in my head

My thoughts are too mushed up, jumbled and unworthy to be shared out loud. I can never clearly let you see my mind unless I sit there and think about what I am going to say for an hour before I say it. But then the moment will pass, the conversation will move on & I will never have another chance to say it unless I bring it up unnecessarily. Even after writing something here and staring at the amateur words I've written, it just doesn't compare to the truth in the words of others. It's a sad truth & I find it so incredibly disappointing at how ordinary my life, thoughts and daydreams can be. Others will always say or write or do things with so much more eloquence and beauty than I could ever do on my own. It's so pathetic but I realize I can't stop. I can't stop being like this. I can't stop trying too hard. It's the only way I know.

"When you notice someone

& they're smiling or whatever, but then for a second you catch a sadness in their eyes and you know that their mind is elsewhere for a moment."

The Annihilation of Local Supermarket Competition

When I grow to a ripe young adult age with an apartment home of my own, I shall raise an avocado tree that shall produce delicious avocado babies. I will then steal away such fruits from their natural home and proceed to eluding customers to instead buy my own sweetly and organically grown avocados that provide twice the meat and negative times the amount of dusty wallet spending of normally horrendously, expensively priced and feebly sized avocados from their local chain store markets.

What a shame that I find myself wanting to do so much all at once, then I end up doing nothing at all.

Anything to look forward to?

It's been a week since we graduated. And I have yet to do something truly productive and worth living. It's a shame everyone I know is either too busy or will only be free once I'm gone.

“So many people are shut up tight inside themselves like boxes, yet they would open up, unfolding quite wonderfully, if only you were interested in them."
— Sylvia Plath

I chopped off my hair today. It looks the same, but still... it's all gone. And I miss it so much. I never knew I had so much hair.. This always happens. I ask for a change, I get it, & I'm disappointed in the end. I shall never be satisfied. If only I could spend the big bucks on those luscious lana waves. If only.. Now I shall spend the rest of my summer dawning a short pathetic pony tail until the day comes that my hair grows to a style worth unveiling.

Synonyms & Adjectives

After a meal of steamed dumplings and a small stroll around the market, we settled to watch 21 jumpstreet. So freaking ab wrenching hilarious. I especially enjoyed how amazingly accurate they portrayed present-day high school.

Asian tub baths> entertainment by face cloths you imagine to be a sinking boat.

Then after, discovered the whereabouts of special baseball gloves and a pitcher helmet. Attempted to a game of catch in the hallway before messing about a camera shoot and listening to fantastic new tunes on Aweditorium- a lovely invention on the infamous ipad.

Ignoring me for that jetpack game hmph

Playing around with iso lighting

It was a simple time together, spending most it at home, but it was absolutely perfect. Suppressed laughter in the death of the night. It was the simple definition of happy young love. So disgustingly cheesy but so incredibly thankful to have.

Camera Obscured

Ever since I traded in the disgraceful kindlefire for my super duper compact system camera, I've been playing around with the idea of capturing the right moment with a fanciful touch (mostly involving either showing part of my face or none at all). To illustrate:

Graduation going by way too fast.

Staring off into the polluted hollywood haze of Universal Studios.

And again with the lack of facial revealings.

Well does thou-est get my drift? I don't exactly know the reason as to why I prefer taking my photos this way, maybe it's a self conscious problem - hating the bottom half of my face. But anyhow, I intend on making this camera obscured touch my trademark in future pictures to come. Tata

An Overture To The Commencement Of A Very Rigid Journey

If last night's weather forecasted pouring rain, it would have been extremely appropriate. It was a night of many catharses- my conclusion to a now completely surreal experience. It wasn't the best night of my life, but at the same time I felt so happily relieved. High school both started and ended in apprehension for what was to come and what I've left behind. I'm afraid I've left regrets and horrible experiences that have shaped my pessimism but after graduation, I feel as if I've gone through a rejuvenation where I can now be the person I've always hoped yet feared to be. All those evil thoughts of the past, all that sad negativity has been cleansed away in the many warm embraces I've given and probably would never give again. I'm surprised it was all such painless goodbyes. It still hasn't dawned on me that these are faces I may never see again. Maybe it's because I've always rushed my leavings and never truly understood the meaning of a goodbye, that it's meant to be cherished and bittersweet. I did feel a tinge of the teary fuzziness for a second, but after I was just extremely ecstatic and smiling idiotically at any other that was dressed in the same ridiculous cap and gown. I have so many plans and dreams, oh so many, & I plan on acting them out now instead of hopelessly dreaming like before. No more wasted opportunities no matter how difficult reality will be. I surely shall start anew, if the fates allow. We can always start anew. I must remember not to lose this sense of self I've just now found. Honestly, nobody really knows where they're supposed to go. But for now, it's time to go live.