Worst Christmas ever.

I should just get up and move away. Somewhere very far far away where nowhere facebook can even recognized. Im so embarrassed.

Did you know you're a miracle?

After a last hour of Walnut, we were finally free to roam our lives for the next two weeks. I still don't have that complete feeling of relaxation though. You know that feeling? When you come home, take off your shoes, flop on your couch, lean back and cool down. I still feel like I have something to do and not look forward to, like I still have school the next day. Maybe I will feel my vacation feeling by tomorrow. It's so easy to go back to feeling miserable again. But I was asked one question and it changed my mindset completely. It may sound cheesy, but we all are miracles. We could have been any other of the million floating sperm first, or a miscarriage, but we were all born into this life. I didn't realize until now how much my parents love me. My mother had two miscarriages before she had me and I could have been one of them. Yet all the while I've been feeling miserable in my days, moping around criticizing the world, almost purposefully as if I wanted to be this way. I don't deserve to act miserable if I was given this life and these opportunities. So I've been appreciating my days a lot more lately. No more, "Signifying nothing" thoughts. I shall spend my days as I please and pleased I shall be!

The super line we didn't have to wait in.

Strange Birds

So great, he needs two mics to sing






Every little thing tonight happened at the most impeccable timing. From the missed u-turn to the front front row spots to returning back after the show literally (really literally) JUST in time to see Young the Giant leaving (thus the pictures). "Alright last picture guys!" What do you say to someone with famous heavenly talent? You don't act giggidy girly that's for sure. I didn't feel as star struck as I thought would; it was just like being next to an average someone. Despite that, all I could do was smile awkwardly and keep quiet. It's amazing (and quite disappointing), however, how much the inner obnoxious girl fan comes out when I do get starstruck.

I come home only to get two hrs of sleep before I venture back out to the wonderland mountains. We left early before the sun could shine through the morning clouds. It felt good knowing what I was doing and being able to teach my snowboard skills to people who didn't know. By the end of the day, everyone knew how to get down a slope without falling. Mission accomplished (despite the massive shin split pains I've acquired). I spent about an hour on a break because of the pain, but I got free things in the mean time. So far my winter break has begun with an amazing start. But tomorrow it might all end. Tomorrow at 2 PM, I shall be drugged to the utmost numbness to extract all 4 of my undeveloped wisdom teeth. Yahoo news posted this article about a young girl dying mid-surgery, and this other boy who died in his sleep a day after his extraction. It's as if the world is conspiring to terrify me. I could think of nothing but the thought of the bitter taste of the serum and piercing needle numbing my gums that it even stopped me from eating my delicious last meal tonight. I never lost my appetite before. I love food too much! But tonight I did, and it scared me. I wouldn't be able to eat delicious food for the next week and my cheeks be crying along with my poor stomach. Send your feel good vibes to me tomorrow please. And thanks to those who do!

Je jure, c'est la vérité!

Family disgrace yes, but I am perfectly content with my decision to learn french over mandarin. You appreciate more music like this. These are tunes that make me daydream and smile about a fantasy future where I would be living in Paris studying abroad in my junior/senior year of college. I've only felt this perfect feeling thrice with music. Once, driving back home after visiting the city itself with "Mushaboom" by Feist caressing my ears. Second, when M. Deshan introduced "Aux Champs Elysees" to us for the first time in class. And now. One word of advice though, if you ever plan to visit Paris, don't take a tour group. You wouldn't experience the food, culture, people or anything close to Parisian life when your trip is ridden with tourist filled hotspots that are a lot like the Paris Vegas you can find back here.

Yes, these dreams are very typical for a lot of young teens to have: to travel, to experience new things and meet new people. Then one day you're old and you realize you've accomplished none of that. Maybe these daydreams are not as great as people make it out to be. Maybe we just romanticize everything and hold silent expectations for what we want for ourselves. But if anything, I want to at least have something like that American woman in Paris Je t'aime (adequate french and everything). Gives me something to look forward to; even if it may seem a bit of a stretch for me. Ah who knows? Less wait and see.

Sounds so far away.

Do you ever walk straight ahead and see nothing? People who recognize you wave at you to the side, but your peripherals are turned off; you don't notice them, you notice nothing. Everything is a blur. Voices are murmured. Your reality is turned off. Time seems to move but stand still all at once. Like you're walking in a dream. And yet you're still wide awake breathing. You're moving along with the sound of the scheduled bells. Step, breath, step. Take a seat.

All the while, at the very ends of the back of your mind, a tugging pain is still throbbing. You take a look around. People are all around you. Arms length apart; a bit too close. Objects are closer than they appear. Your heart is beating unhealthily fast. You start to feel nauseous. Claustrophobic fears taking a hold of your breath. You feel dizzy. You ask to go to the nurse and once in that silent room, you can finally relax. The cool walls ease your mind and you take a nap. Eyes open, do you feel refreshed? A bit, but listen - murmurs again. The tugging pain creeps back.

My throat is a flaming desert. There's this burning, face wincing sensation exploding in the back of my throat every time I gulp. On top of that, there's a bruising pulse that keeps knocking at the back of my skull. I've never had a migraine before, but I believe this is the first. It's been like this for the last three days. I'm not getting sick though. My voice is still womanly-ish. I can still speak clearly. I've been getting enough sleep lately and I'm far from having overworked stress in school. So why is my body reacting in such bizarre ways? I think it's the allergies. December. Love the season, hate the impulsive, dry winded weather.

This week has been.. a very long week, however. To summarize it, I technically spent everyday with school > rehearsal > how I met your mother > sleep > repeat. No homework really. Or at least not enough to give me a migraine. Don't you just love senior year? It's becoming extremely difficult for me to maintain small talk conversations. My mind is on its smoking break, just blanking out mid conversation. I fall asleep standing up with my eyes open and I don't pay attention. My thoughts drift. I think my working mind just shut off since thanksgiving. I come to school carelessly dressed and I can't bring myself to sit down to study again. I bring home my books, everything ready, then... Oh hello! another episode of How I Met Your Mother! ... then I can't stop. The pause button just looks so.. untouchable. A HIYM rut. My mind is already packed up in vacation mode; ready to relax and go back to that peaceful time again. But I can't, at least not for another three weeks. DANG. On the plus side, my working mind for my pillow business hasn't shut down yet. It's driven and fully motivated to satisfy those rolling in pillow orders. If only I knew how to use a sewing machine..

Joshua Springs

A night of escape to Joshua Springs. The spawn of Palm Springs and Joshua Tree; the middle that meets in between. A small town where everyone knows each other and have street car conversations at red stop lights. Antique shops at every block. The land of Napoleon Dynamite: quiet, desolate and beautiful. Peace from all your suburban worries to just relax and look up at the excellent dark and rural sky of stars and satellites. The lingering smokiness of campfire left on your clothes. The crackling of the burning wood in the company of the lorax trees.. I absolutely love holiday breaks. The best time for a sigh of relief.

Bird Hazard

Antenna - the middle that meets in between.







Le whores de le caméra

Sur la montagne



I've never seen so many stars since 6th grade.

In the midst of the morning dew

Futuristic tube trailer

Deux amoureux tout étourdis

I cant wait until the day someone will ask "How are you?" and I could finally, truthfully smile back "I'm doing great."

The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat

Tonight, we watched Cats live at the Candlelight Pavilion; a privately owned dinner theater we've been going to since my laced sock days (you can say it's kind of a family tradition). Watching these shows always inspire me to just be more "out there" and a better actor. But I have a problem between dreaming about something and actually doing it. You see, in my mind, I am this wonderful outgoing person with this spontaneous personality and dynamic character that I'm not afraid to show (kind of like the characters on stage). But all these thoughts of my dream self are filtered through my worries and judgmental fears from others that I end up becoming this introverted fart with low confidence. Well anyways, I drank my first full cup of coffee tonight watching the show and I couldn't stop feeling so jittery! Normally I don't drink coffee because one small sip overwhelms me with this massive headache, but I had to wake up. So now there's this weird feeling running through my blood stream. It's like that nervous shake you get before you go up on stage and can't keep still. My hands are sweaty, my mouth is dry, and I have to pee a lot. I probably won't be able to sleep well tonight..

ANYWAYS. Watching the show, my mind was moving a mile a second critiquing the music, the dances, make up, their acting and my acting. Even though I wasn't actually acting. I kept observing the actor's personalities, how they interacted with each other and how distinct they made every character. All the while, I was constantly thinking of ways I could improve my own character in our school's dinner theater: whether I could be as great as that character on stage or how I would play something out. Up till this point, being in advanced drama has shown me that I'm not that great of an actor/actress as any of the others in my class. I'm just a beginner. I keep struggling with vocal variety, voice clarity and projection. In my mind, my voice sounds loud and clear. But in real life, it's a jumbled mess that's quiet and incomprehensible. I'm struggling so hard trying to get my character right and I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong and not entertaining at all. Agh who knew acting was so difficult?? I wish I was as great as those cats on stage. I wish I could dumbfound audiences as great as they did. I have to say it was a pretty amazing show even though I hate cats. So yes, it was a good night. But I'm never drinking another cup of coffee again.

One wrong look, one critical comment, or one late reply. All things that ruin my day in one second. I have too many feelings in my head that make me worry too much. I wish I could stop, but these one moments fester up and rot my mind and I'm a sad mess again. I am extremely exhausted from today (after 14 hours of staying in school straight) but I cannot keep my mind to itself! Or else it will start whispering sad nothings in my ear again and I will be more of a downer. No spoon fed God session for me tonight. Tonight, I shall instead drown these stupid feelings into satisfying my craving for crepe making. À la prochaine!

1:05-1:30

I am a stubborn person. Even my horoscope and my chinese zodiac confirms it. But I never figured it would be such a problem until recently. I realize that yes, I have been acting a bit down lately: ending my conversations with "Bye, I hate you" or answering my "Where are you going?" with "To go kill myself." We've all contemplated suicide at least once. And yes I have to admit I've been contemplating it more than usual lately. But I've been contemplating it in a different way. Not technically in ways to actually kill myself physically, but emotionally. I've been draining my days of life; of a meaning to smile or even enjoy it. When people come up to me, I still respond, but not in the way that would keep the conversation going, not something to look back to and make you think, life is good. What is it that makes me so comfortable being like this? I'm given so many chances to be better and change. Yet I don't even try. It's as if I'm trying so hard to be as antisocial and misanthropic as I could. Why? Is it the fear of that awkward moment? The fear of judgement? Of what to say next? Of losing another friend. My relationship with people is moderately okay at the moment. It's in the middle where you are neither at jeopardy of losing a person, but close enough to at least start a small talk conversation. I dont want to ruin it. So I've built this wall around myself that's covered in fuzzy warm surroundings that I've grown so comfortable in and I'm too stubborn to get out. Yes, I give up too easily. I don't even have the motivation to try. It's hard to get back up when there's no reason to. Maybe this is just a subconscious test to see who are the people that stick, even with my depressing mood. Or maybe I just want attention, that's where most of these thoughts derive from don't they? Ahh but that's so pathetic.. If only I could just snuggle in bed and watch How I Met Your Mother all day. That would make me happy.

Today (well yesterday) of November 11, 2011 at 11:11 pm, I made a wish instead of taking a moment of silence to honor Veteran's Day. Oh man I feel bad.

The Balm of Hurt Minds

Sleep that knits up the ravelled sleave of care,
The death of each day's life, sore labor's bath,
Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course,
Chief nourisher in life's feast.
-Macbeth, 2. 2

Can't sleep with all this tension in my mind. Thinking of everything and nothing at once. Blanking out. Deafening silence. I have school in 3 hours and 56 min but I can't bring myself to close my eyes and rest. I need that death to my life right now; to balm my hurt mind and rejuvenate my senses, but its the stage of actually getting to sleep that's the hard part. I lay down, close my eyes, and another thought smacks my mind awake making it impossible to step into temporary relief. But a part of me does not even want to sleep. I have to get my mind off things, and the best way thus far seems to be pushing my time clock to its maximum limit, till it collapses on itself out of pure exhaustion. I want my memories to be deleted like Clementine's. So I could start over with something different and forget everything I left behind. Im tired of making decisions. There will be no time travel for me tonight.

Can I just shoot myself in the head to get all these horrible thoughts out. Someone just please crush my skull five billion times. Stomp on it until its a bloody mass of nothing embedded into the ground. My mind, heart and soul are hurting. Theyre crushed. But the pain is entrapped in this stupid skull of mine. I have to let it out. But that would be selfish to my future selves. I dont think my future selves would like that very much.

MUST GET PIERRE HERMÉ'S MACARON BOOK

It has all the how to's and not to do's on making the perfect macaron! Five star rating with clear pictures, easy recipes and now in english from one of the top chefs in the world. All I have to do is save up $40 to buy this sucker. If only english translations were cheaper..

Today was a beautiful day. I saw it in several stages. Once when it was dark and gloomy, pit pattering raindrops on my window sill; my kind of weather. The next a puffy cloud blue sky type of day with golden sun. The kind of weather where you answer "Il fait beau au'jourd hui" in french class and makes you want to go out for a walk. But I did nothing today. I spent half of my 4 hours awake eating and the other half feeling nauseous. Now I look back out my window and BAM another stage; back to the gloomy dark rain clouds of thunder and light. If only I could just have plans to do on rainy sundays but boo, there's no one to make plans with. Maybe I should try going to church on sundays. At least that'll give me something to do. But then again I shouldn't. Because that would be going for the wrong reason. And that would be bad.

Everybody's downstairs eating. I'm supposed to join them but my headache is stopping me from getting up and making the long trek below. I don't want soup. Why'd I say I wanted soup in the first place? I'm not hungry. I have that deep feeling in my stomach again. I feel dizzy. I have a headache. After 13 hours of sleep I still have a headache. I feel like the smell of chemicals and paint are all over my face and its taking away my fresh air. It's quite unpleasant.

Macaron Quest

▲ That's a really ugly thumb.

I must satisfy my craving to master creating the most perfect macaron. And yes it is spelled with only one "o". 17 dollars, three tries and one wannabe pistachio success later, I still have not fully succeeded. But at least they taste mouth melting delicious! I have learned more today about macaron baking in the last few hours than I ever have spent on countless computer hours searching for a better recipe. Macarons are simple at their best, but they have quite a finicky nature. One small mistake and they turn into a mold of ugliness leaving you discouraged and with one less egg no matter how great your recipe is. But practice I will and try again I shall despite the wasted eggs and determination. At least I find lovely new music along the way.

‎"I don't like buttercream. I don't like this mixture between butter... and sugar... it just tastes like... sweet fat." Baking meter is on high. Dulce delight how you inspire me.

Happy Ghoulings

How was your weekend? Oh my weekend was fine. I just don't remember it. And I don't mean I got crazy drunk and forgetful, I just mean my weekend was good enough to be fun in the moment, but not memorable. Does that mean my weekend sucked?

Saturday- Costume making and putting my sharpie skills to the test.



Sunday- Two year anniversary with the Supafob at Griffith LA Hayride Haunt. Despite the creepy atmosphere and unexpected frights, the scariest part was walking back to the car.. through the foggy woods at night.. with no lights to shine your way.. and hearing distant screams in the background.. Fun fun fun nonetheless!



Monday (Halloween) Nutella costume = fame, glory & beautiful bag of candy


Update: My mother scheduled my wisdom tooth appointment for Dec. 17th (the first day of winter break). This concludes a winter slumber of chipmunk cheek swelling, consuming nothing delicious, and pain. Well... at least I get to go to the Young the Giant concert the day before. I give myself that much before I subject myself to two weeks of tormentous gum-healing. I don't think I will give up snowboarding though. Chipmunk cheeks or not.

Indecision

I don't like to answer the question of how I am doing. Such a simple question. But its like a crossroads answer. If you tell them "yes, Im good" then the other person will think you are good and will leave you be. Whereas on the other hand, if you tell them the truth, "No I am not okay, I am far from okay." They will respond with concern and bother you and ask what is wrong when all I want to do is curl up in a ball a disappear and not be bombarded with these stupid questions that wont help me at all. I should just lie and avoid everything. But it just takes so much effort to keep being fake happy. Dammit.

Let’s stop saying we’re fine

We all want to know, how it ends.

Oh, happily ever after, wouldn't you know, wouldn't you know.
Oh, skip to the ending, who'd like to know, I'd like to know.
Author of the moment, can you tell me, do I end up, do I end up happy?

"You know that feeling, when you can actually feel your heart breaking. Like the only solid thing inside you that is keeping you sane, is slowly tearing apart? And when you know your going to cry, and your cheeks start to feel hot, and you start to shake and then the tears come, and they dont stop. And its almost like your body has lost control and you just cant feel anything anymore. Your numb. And empty. And cold. And you cant fix it, the truth is, no one can. And now your stuck, feeling like a mess and wanting to just die right there and then, but no one knows this and no one cares, because your alone. And you always will be."

Curse weekday holidays

Can I just skip school on this Halloween so I can spend all day adventuring for 90% off sales and then spend the rest of the day getting free candy in my cool beans Nutella costume?

I lie. Lie Lie Lie lalala Lie.

The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than the living size then they’re brought out.
— Stephen King

I need people to just be mind readers so I don't have to explain my way out of things. I have a horrible way of explaining my way out of things because I recently realized I have this hideous habit of lying. And its not just small little white lies I pop out on a casual day to day basis; it includes big lies, stretched lies, believable lies where even I forget they're lies in the first place. And sometimes, they're not even the most important things either. But they become lies that grow bigger and bigger until I get caught up in them and then someone gets hurt or my mind goes crazy and I confess anyways, and someone still gets hurt. Why do I do this? I really have no idea. I try my best to be as honest and keep things running smooth, but something always slithers out and I end up saying the wrong thing. I need to stop. Not because I think its some great sin or because it's wrong, but because of how much I've realized it ends up hurting people, maybe even myself (and how I do very much care about not hurting other people). I don't really catch myself in the act. And I dont really feel it affect me until the act is done and its too late, my heart beats fast and then my conscience gets all over my business again pointing fingers, shouting "YOU LIED YOU LIED YOU DID IT AGAIN YOU HORRIBLE SOUL YOU." I just watch myself do it. Spectators view.

So in order to repent from my dirty dirty habit, I have decided to keep a Lie Journal. It's quite brilliant actually. Next time I notice myself lying, I will write it down, the exact lie, context, day & time it took place. At least Im trying. Maybe then I'll notice how much I lie and it'll help my word vomit stop from coming out before I can stop myself. Some things just don't need to be said.

There needs to be a facebook thing for Dads who dont keep in touch with their children, so that when its their birthday, the children dont have to make an awkward phone call to say Happy Birthday, but rather just type the same thing on facebook and get it over with. Awkwardness aside.

My cream puffs deflated.

If doing the right thing is so great, then why do I feel so horrible? I hate doing the right thing. It bothers me so much. People ask for too much. I wish the right thing didnt always get in the way of what I actually want. I wish I can just do whatever I please without anyone else questioning my motives. I wish this situation wasn't so difficult. I wish I could miss you. But I cant. And I know wishing is a waste of time. Its unproductive. I hate it. I hate it. Staying home alone all day isnt helping either. More Okkervil River to calm my needs.

I want someone to cheer me up. In a way where I dont have to talk about my problems, because 1) I cant talk about my problems 2) talking about them does jack. I want to just be insanely difficult to this person. Be extremely stubborn and selfish and bring them down with me so they can feel the pain Im feeling. And deep down I will know that none of this attempt to cheer me up will even work. Because I know no one can cheer me up. Not even myself.

At times, I can relate to every single novel or play we read in class.

"At times, Edna is optimistic about her future and places her trust in the promise of youth. On other days, she stays indoors and broods, feeling that life is passing her by."

Citizens! I am at a predicament! October is here and every single meaningless conversation that goes on in this disgusting city seems to revolve around one thing only: college. I look around and people are already getting student resumes filled out, teacher recommendation letters requested and a list of 4+ colleges they plan to attend. I am taking apart of none of this. Am I missing out? Is this lack of college app stress going to be a problem? Unlike most people, I know exactly what college is destined for me. But for some reason, this brooding black cloud of apprehensive indecision hovers relentlessly in the back of my mind, telling me that my choice is going to be the biggest mistake of my life (dramatic, I know). These are the reasons:

-My set school is going to be at Cal Poly Pomona. And that's it. No other options or backups. And why not, right? Its the 2nd in the nation for my major, 5 min away thus no need to dorm, affordable, 99% guaranteed acceptance, and overall... not a bad school. But it depresses me to no end, knowing that if I choose cal poly, I will be subjecting myself to another 4 years of living in this uneventful town I hate so very very much. I want to see new faces. For several years I have been venting, pleading, dreaming about moving away from the faces I have grown so numb and accustomed to. But if I go to cal poly, what then?
-I look at my sister and I realize, Im turning into her. Unconsciously of course. But the things that are going on in my life are a lot like the events she went through, just in different context. And now Im going to be applying to the same school she will be at. This thought repulses me to no end. I used to think, I will never be like her. Im going to move out and live in some place with nice weather and not be ruled by parents like a powerless teenager. But here I am, going to be stuck at home, just like her. Oh god.
-People can easily destroy my pride and it is usually the small things that destroy it the most. The other day, I was running a Silva errand with my TA buddy. We went up to our old feminist english teacher to turn in the paper and in the meantime, thought "why not?" and asked "Can you write us a teacher recommendation?" Sure no problem (smile) She says. "What schools are you applying to?" Answer: Boston University. Reply: Oh really? Wow thats great! And you? Answer: Cal Poly Pomona. Reply: (silence with a disapproving face) Why? You can do so much better than that! END I dont know whether to be offended or complimented. That's the relationship I have with her. I never know whether to be offended or complimented. I have the grades and creativity to pursue "higher" schools, she says. But somehow, cal poly seems to stick. But one quote that will always stick: "You know Kyra, there's the naturally smart kids, and then there's the creative ones. I think youre the creative one." You decide. Complimented or offended? I know I shouldn't be so bothered by this one gesture, this one moment of disapproving silence, but I am. I must stop getting so discouraged so easily. It's the same with my parents. They support me in whatever decision I make, thankfully, but I can tell behind their assurance that they don't want my stakes set only for the "easy route". Like it's not good enough pride to talk about in their conversations with other adults.
-And lastly, Im still not fully certain about my major. All these college app mentors and glcs tell us that we shouldn't apply to a college for a specific major simply because we are only so young, and we don't know what we want in life yet. At this moment, I am at least more than 80% sure restaurant managing is the major I was meant the have. And simply because I get inspired easily. I just sat in a restaurant one day, and just ... was at peace. I wanted to spread this feeling for everyone by owning a restaurant of my own. I felt I could contribute to other people’s happiness if I could just provide good food and atmosphere. Is that idea so hard to believe? The simplicity of it all, the easy route; people don't understand for some reason. Especially feminist english teachers.
-Even with all these inspired passions, I still can't help but wonder, what the hell am I going to do with my life? (Sorry there's really no other word to explain it)

Well that's enough rhetorical thoughts for one night. Until next time.

We have a new permanent guest living in our house at the moment. Her name is Sin. She's from New York and Chicago, has short choppy hair, thick framed glasses and wears long pants overalls. She makes great fajitas. She likes to make documentary films and writes screenplays. We talk about movies, road trips and thrift shopping. She is quiet an interesting character. Im glad she isn't one of those untrustworthy strangers that steal our mail and eat our cereal in the middle of the night. The only problem is the ever growing progression to the disgustingness of our downstairs guest bathroom. No matter! She's like the sister I should have had. And the best part of it is, she loves guacamole.
____________
There are two types of sadness (well at least for me). The mind stalking sadness, and the random sadness. If I had to choose, I would rather have the random sadness. Because then I'd know that whatever it is that's making me feel this way is just an illusion and that Im just worrying my mind till it wants to do something stupid.

"It takes 500 pounds too crush the human skull, but the human emotion is a much more delicate thing."

This is not a poem

I have to constantly remind myself that
Faith is complete trust,
no doubt about it.
Hope is longing for something..
more of an optimism thing.
You know there is a possibility it wont happen.
But you hope it will happen.
You WISH it will happen.
But it may not.
Hope leads to expectations that may be disappointing.
I have to constantly remind myself to live life with faith,
and rarely hope.

A friend in need is a friend indeed

This blog will contain horrendous transitions between paragraphs. Excuse my fragmented thoughts.

Yes, I have trust issues. But is it so wrong to feel that no one but yourself can help your own problems? Anytime I vent or open up my emotional mind to someone, all they can say is generic feel better sayings like "Oh it's going to be okay" or "Don't worry." I'm sorry but those sayings do not work. It's not that those phrases were being told in vain, but more like.. the actual words ... didn't work on me. Its the action in being there and cheering me on was what worked. Not telling me everything is going to be okay. Because most of the time I honestly think everything is not okay. I don't need pep talks. I see the concern on others faces and all I feel is not the comfort from their presence or listening ear, but rather the pity they have and the feeling of throwing a crapload of more burdens on them. Yes, pity. But that's just how I feel. Even if I were wrong, even if they genuinely cared about my situation, I feel nothing. Should I be worried?

To those of you who've felt like neglected vegetables atop a child's dinner plate, I am truly sorry. My minds been going through storm after storm lately and I find myself wanting to be more antisocial or shout at your face angry whenever I speak. I don't mean it. These situations have just been changing me to another low point of my life.

The fact that I can put on a smile so easily after two periods of straight up sleeve soaked crying fascinates me. It also saddens me to know that I'm living my day like a lie. But its stress relieving, to smile. Even though you know its fake.

I am quite ready to press the fast forward button any second now. Fast forward to next summer where I will be working in Texas, starting my life to study Restaurant Managing at Cal Poly Pomona. I am so sick of these high school faces. I need some change.

We shall get through this year even if it kills us.

Facade

Rereading what I write online in conversations and realizing how bubbly and happy I sound. Disgusting.

I hate to admit it, but Im still really bitter about peer counseling. 1) for not accepting me into PC 2) for ignoring you. But I guess its not their fault. I know that is a very selfish and pointless reason to be so angry about, but I can't help it. I was listening into a PC talking to a parent about the class and the PC said something like "we help kids who feel suicidal.." and the parent asked "how do you find these kids?" and the PC said the kid can go to their glc and and we help. And all the while Im just thinking, what a load of bullcrap. PC doesnt help students. If they really knew kids that were depressed then kids like me wouldnt be feeling like I do at school everyday. I feel Im pushed down and away from my attempts to feel a part of something and then my low self esteem takes over and I feel alone and suicidal again. I feel this deep pain my chest. Like the feeling you get when youre about to cry, but you hold back your tears right before you burst. But this feeling lasts. Its not just a second, its been happening for awhile now. And I dont know why I cant just control my mind. Why I cant just stop thinking so lowly of myself or bitterly towards others and just smile genuinely for once and live. I know Im given the chance to fit in, to talk and be a part of the student life, but the idea just doesnt seem appealing enough for me to step out of my introvert mind and actually get to meet people. Everyday I feel like Im dying a little every extra second I spend in high school. I feel like this feeling might last. And Im terrified of that.

On another note, I feel like Im losing myself in my faith. Yes already. Ive only experienced the PRESENCE for such a short time and already I feel like Im slipping away. It was great while it lasted but again, I find myself going through this tugowar between logic and faith and as of now, logic is winning. I dont know which side to take and I cant stay in the middle to compromise. Im not sure of what to do or believe in. But Im hoping whatever happens, it happens for a good reason and Im satisfied with it.

I just shoved my earring down my infected ear hole.. I hope this doesn't turn out horribly. It actually didn't hurt as much as I thought, but then my foot kicked the hair dryer and pain revisited my mind all over again.

"We have nothing if not belief." -C.S. Lewis

I've never fully experienced the grace of God. The only thing I remember of church (or much less opening the bible) is the itchy lace socks, after chinese lunches and random fully grown men on their knees sobbing uncontrollably. I never understood it. I only went because I had to, not because I wanted to. But nonetheless, the idea of God was embedded into my mind and I don't think I've ever lost the idea that God (or some other great force) exists. I guess I've just forgotten and lost my interest in him at the time. This didn't bother me until about two years ago when I started searching for God again (at my lowest point of course). But because I was expecting the impossible, I found my faith tested to the greatest length possible. And I failed the test becoming what any person becomes when their hopes are crushed and expectations not met: bitter. I became bitter at life, people, happy people, and especially in God. But not to the extent where I completely denounced the idea of his existence. Where I'm going with this almost rant explanation is that, now that I think about it, if it weren't for that tiny strand of faith still lingering in God, I might've never been able to refresh that faith again. And it isn't just a refreshed faith, but also an amazing friendship. Of all the events that couldve gone in the way, my summer came out to be like this and provided me with the ability to get closer in this friendship. Like "it happened for a reason." I should be thankful for everything I have and experience on a day to day basis. But Im trying. My beliefs are still swaying from side to side, dangerously unbalanced. But Im trying. Baby steps.

On a side note, I found the secret to insomnia. Well technically speaking, just sleeplessness. nahness.(Its eating!) After an adventure at Pasadena, its no wonder my minds still wide awake. And finally I go downstairs to satisfy my rumbly grumbles in my tumbles and melt myself a scoop of orgasm spinach cheese chip dip with a side of OJ to wash it all down. Now my eyelids are drooping as fast as Goldilocks getting food coma. But enough about now, I shall shortly update you about before! Life shall be good for this next week. Why? Because its my last week before school starts. GASP. The last week I can stay up till 3 AM just to eat spinach cheese chips... Well yes. School starts. Let me simplify my summer for you:

-5 AP tests were stolen = ruined expectations for adventures
-Fourth of July: BOAT ADVENTURE
-Spending my time with genuine hearts
-I learned how to pray. Yes pray. But I always end up crying for some reason.
-Working on perfecting the most perfect cream puffs and macaroons
-Visits to senior homes.
-Finished Charmander pillow, moving on to Wobbuffet then possibly $60 more for a Spongebob pillow
-Won 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 4th place in Dboat this year only by half a second. But we got 2nd place medals and a glass plaque my butterfingers held.
-Maroon 5 Concert July 25th at the Hollywood Bowl! Closest Ive ever been to Adam Levine, Javier Colon, Stevie Nicks, and TRAIN.
-Apparently about $400 were taken out of my bank account so my mother could pay the bills because my father fails to pay child support.
-Saving up for my very own car.
-Going to see a $500 Toyota for sale tomorrow!
-I have $2 left in my wallet. (in coins)

And now this song below is stuck on repeat in my head (go ahead, press play!)

Any Human Heart

“Life has to be encountered with a mixture of sheer ignorance ... Sheer ignorance because you can't ever know what will happen. Ever. And blind faith that this time the roll of the dice will bring you luck."

Message to AB

You are playing darts. One eye open, tongue stuck out for concentration, the target is your world at the moment and you plan on hitting that point. In your hand you hold barely enough darts to efficiently practice these dart skills, and yet the game still goes on. You try and you try but all you can get is the outer circle surrounding the target. So close yet so far. But out of nowhere, you surprise yourself. You surprise us all. You surprise me. Bullseye.

If I discovered the art of finger tutting and perfected it, I'd be the coolest kid on the block.

2:51 AM and my mind is still in its afternoon mode & fully awake. People always talk about missing school when they feel this summer boredom. But isn't that feeling the beauty of summer? The feeling that you can have all the time to do nothing (or everything) you've been expecting this entire school year. But all people do is sit and talk, no action. Not for me though. This summer has been all about what I've been looking forward to, no plans, no deadlines. I'm pushing back the thought of school as far back into the depths of my mind as I can. Some may call it precious time wasted doing nothing, I call it appreciation. More like self appreciation. Yeah, that's what my summer is all about: giving 3 months all to myself and not to school, to show how much I appreciate my life. Or should appreciate my life.

So back to the reason to this little blog here. I was spending my precious time wasted doing nothing by looking up movie trailers after watching Chaos Theory (FANTABULOUS MOVIE BTW) and my spaghetti mind began thinking about relationships and life and how much people appreciate them. I guess Youtube really understands my spaghetti mind a lot being that I started streaming sidebar links, clicking on one movie title to the next. But back to the point. These characters made me realize how much I need to appreciate life more. You watch movies about love and how these two were meant to be but one of them is diagnosed with a life threatening disease or dying and yet, they're living life to the fullest without a single depressing thought (as this blog is very much full of).. Makes you want to appreciate life doesn't it? For those of you who think your day isn't good enough, or isn't fulfilling your standards to the perfect beauty of a day you could be living, remember those who have one day less to live. I don't know why it's so hard to not think the negative thoughts. To just succumb to depression. It's as if our minds will always be on procrastination mode, ready to appreciate life and go all out only when you find out you're out of time and it's too late. What a sad way to think, but at the same time I hope this isn't me. I hope this little thought is fleeting. Then I can be like all the other characters in the movies and be somewhat at peace.

Love lost.

Stop complaining.

He deserves so much more. I'd like to believe, but I don't believe I am acting quite so very awesome at the moment. I've been noticing a fine line between expectations and reality in my mind that's been keeping me from fulling grasping my opportunities or at least treating this man right. But it's not just a thin fine line, or a dotted black line; it's a thick and unrelenting gloomy wall that keeps me from being how I want to act or should act. Let's call him Mr A. A for awesome. I don't give enough time or thought in my day for him. I don't give him enough thanks. And here he is still drowning me in this unconditional love and I constantly forget to return the favor. It's not fair is it? I act in ways and see what I've become. What is this short tempered complication I've morphed into? Surely it isn't the lady hormones again. No, it isn't that time Tom. Yet all the while, my apathetic mind is starting to take over even more and it's starting to show. But do I care? I'm still looking at my days with an ungrateful frown. Yes, always feeling that urge again to just move far away, somewhere up north. Somewhere I don't know anyone and can leave this confused monster behind. What life. How am I? Am I happy? Am I awesome? Not at the moment no.

10 Bitter Truths

1. Complete honesty is a complete lie.
2. Money is essential to long-term happiness: romantic love is not.
3. Every human being is a paradox. Some hide it better than others.
4. All sex has consequences, most of them dire.
5. Marriage is sacred only to those who have never been married.
6. Never underestimate the tendency of human beings to act contrary to their own best interests.
7. Were it not for fear of getting caught, most of us would behave like savages.
8. The older you get the faster time moves until months pass like days.
9. There is no such thing as living happily ever after.
10.The world only gets worse.

This song.

It wasn't love at first sight when I watched Napoleon Dynamite for the first time. Some told me this was the first of its kinda. With the artistic handwritten font credits and the individually awkward personalities.. heck, the movie practically SCREAMED indie. But even though I never actually (and still to this day) fully enjoyed this movie, I did enjoy this one scene. It spoke to me. Telling me that no matter what people think, say or how they would look at you, just screw them and live to your hearts content. Or just dance. Corny as that sounds. Its true. Who cares if people think you look weird? As long as you have fun with it, right? This movie reminded me of this and also reminded me, I really gotta learn this dance.

"Gonna dance, gonna dance my blues away tonight
Canned heat in my heals tonight."

-- More like gonna blog my blues away. But you get the picture.

When you're feeling down.

A guy is driving around and he sees some penguins on the side of the road. He picks them up in his van and starts showing them the sights, but a cop sees him and pulls him over and says "Sir, I want you to take these penguins to the zoo." So the next day the same cop sees the same guy with the same penguins and he pulls him over and asks "Sir I thought I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THE PENGUINS TO THE ZOO!" and the man says back "I did, today we're going to the beach!"

So a panda walks into a restaurant and he eats everything on the menu, pulls out a machine gun and shoots up the place but doesnt kill anybody. The manager comes out pissed and says Wtf???? But the panda says Well sir, you obviously don't know the eating habits of pandas. Maybe you should look them up he says. So the manager goes to the back and looks at his encyclopedia and it says EATING HABITS OF PANDAS: EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES

This blog will not make sense.

I don't know why but I'm extremely disappointed right now. Disappointed about what, you ask? I really have no clue. Or do I not have the guts to admit it? I keep forgetting. I forget and I remember then I forget again. As soon as I try anything, the world closes in on me. Well not the world. More like my mind. It's all in my mind. My pessimistic mind.

It’s not late at all and my parents are up and about the house intermittently talking to each other and to me. Sounds melding in between the melodies of my earphones and conversations typed up to me in little boxes on the screen. I feel so far away from it all. Everything is here, everything exists, it all must exist, but it means nothing to me, there’s nothing tangible, I can’t reach any of it; maybe I’m the one who doesn't exist. Is it fair to give me the illusion that I exist when I don’t know how to exist? But nothing is ever fair. I've become a shadow in the mists of everyone else's personalities. You know, I'd much rather help everyone but myself. I dont know how to help myself. Once I've helped everyone, I'm back to square one. Me. And then its just awkward conversations from there. I don't know how to deal with myself. And I have no way or idea on how to start. But even though I prefer helping others, my helplessness towards myself always bothers me and I don't know what to do about it. It's not fair, is it? When I'm around someone, I am full of life. They fill my balloon mind of air composed of the everyday necessities to think, wonder and breath. But once that is gone, I am nothing. I become the empty shell balloons become once they lose their air. Do you see? No you don't see. Even I don't see. Because this blog does not make sense. Well I guess nothing I am saying now can make sense since my mind is in such a state. I just compared myself to a balloon.

What is this feeling I'm feeling? What are these thoughts? I spend my days watching the person I become like a spectator at a sideshow. I am not satisfied with who I've become. Not yet. Is this really me? Did you ever question your day like that? Ramble ramble ramble. My mind is a jumbled mess. If only I could have the heart to stop and pick up the mess one by one. Clean it up and tap it back to orderly peace. But just like my tornadoed mess of a room, I will save this mess for later.

It has begun!

And all I've been is lazy lazy lazy. Today tested me on how outgoing my mind can be with people. You know that moment when you see someone again for the first time in a long time and don't know whether to say hi or keep quiet in fear of risking rejection in case they don't recognize your own face.. yeah that was today. Sadly, I kept within my comfort shell and looked away; acting as if I didn't notice her, and our lives never crossed.

"Begin doing what you want now, we are not lying in eternity." This will go into my list of possible senior quotes for this year. Ha! Look at me thinking about senior quotes and whatnot. It has only been the first two days of summer!

Strfcked

Wake up. Eyes open. 9:12 AM. Stretch. Ow. Pain? Oh.

Well thank God its Monday. Today is a special day. Not only is it Memorial Day, but there is also no school and oh how much I detest school. Hmm, lets see whats on the schedule now at 11:35 AM:
-Synthesis dealio with Mister Silva
-Finish the Great Gatsby in the next 9 hours
-Write last essay on Close Readings
-Screw essay
-Make fried rice for the biggest joke of a class
-Get too lazy to make anything
-Finish study guide for math analysis
-Study for math analysis
-Screw math analysis
-Catch up on Naruto
-Get bored of Naruto
-Check any new episodes of The Office, Glee, The Voice -- nothing
-Clean room
-Scratch that -- Think about cleaning room.
-Stare out the window for 10 min and think deeply about my nostalgic past
-Jest kidding, I just stared at a floating speck of dust for ten minutes instead
-Check time: 1:40 PM
=Total productive progress? Zero

It's as if Im finding all these excuses not to do anything. This year has been really destructive in my work ethic. My mind has easily become subjective to shutting down into a starfcked subconscious where I don't want to think and just party with beats on electro sheets. Only three more days of having to act like I care. Scratch that, one day and two mini days of having to act like I care. And yet it still feels like a lifetime away. Despite everything else, I sure as heck will miss Walnut's Senior Class of 2011 the most out of any other class. I feel so disconnected with my own class, but with 2011, I feel as if I shouldve just been a senior myself. Im really quite fortunate to have met so many of my friends but its a bittersweet type of gratitude I feel toward these friendships. These people, whom I've only gotten close to only in the past year, are set. They're ready to start their their new and better futures and goals free from the SAT stress, finals, applying to colleges, and high school in general. It's amazing how close I got to them in such a short time. While I deeply and honestly am the happiest of little juniors for them, I can't help but feel this overwhelming sense of jealousy. I don't want to go through the process of applying to college and all those little shizzbizz to find out the determining factors of your future. I just want to be where they're at now. Or if anything, graduate with them now. I dont understand their sadness about graduation, but maybe its because when I graduate I wont be sad. All the same, I feel so left behind with them leaving. I want to celebrate their graduation with them, but Im still the junior with the finals to study for in the next one and two mini days. I still have one more year being stuck in this little Nut. And who knows, with the grades Im getting, maybe even more years. But thinking of all this is selfish of me. Just a little side thought before I actually get to work. Time: 2:14 PM. I still didnt find out who shot Gatsby yet.

I need to stop writing about how much I hate school. meh. Best wishes and good luck C/O 2011. You will be missed.

Ctrl C+V

"Oh I wish for a long, laughing, rambling phone message in which every person is talking on a speakerphone and they are all saying, “You have passed the test, it was all just a test, we were only kidding, real life is so much better than that."

Apologies. There hasn't been enough time to present to you a beautiful passage lately. I've just been too busy not caring to care. I have no more original thoughts at the moment. School has stripped me dry to the point where all I have left is this plagiaristic mind and must sadly confide in others to speak out my true feelings with so much more eloquence, I might as well post them here for future reference and thought.

A lot of things are appealing to my senses nowadays, just not in the way I want it to. Is it the senioritis kicking in? Or just the excessive studying I should be putting myself through. What ARE we putting ourselves through? The only society I know of is school. But oh how I want to know so much more than just school. I want to go out, start my restaurant, find good company, be happy. But I can't and I won't be anytime soon. We go through 12 years of school just for several more years of school to jump start our careers to make money. And die. Please don't let this be all there is to it. I feel like I've lost my passion to do the everyday things I should be motivated for. Or at least should care for. What is the point in forcing yourself to study a subject you have no passion for? To keep you well rounded? Please. When else will you be asked to know how many yellow marbles are in the jar, what ship Columbus used to sail to America. You waste several years of your life doing nothing, for nothing. I wonder if it’s worth it. Putting ourselves into this endless cycle to overcome the rat race. Only do a select few of us get out and achieve our life dream. The rest of us, are just stuck never able to rest. I just want to relax. But life doesn't stop for just anyone.

Omgoodness I love this. Inever laughed so much in so long

June 13th 2009

Saturday.

Imagine 1000 ice blades inside you, each blade refusing to melt. The realization of reality is a difficult thing. How the truth hurts. How one small change can ruin everything. Regardless of your intellect, interests & abilities; nothing really matters anymore does it?
____
No one cares if you care.
No one thinks about what you think.

It seems as if everyone only lives for themselves
& not for the people. Subconsciously or not?

Regardless, it happens.

I hate how people expect you to get over things. Nothing is ever perfect, but there's always something, somewhere that always has to go wrong. It happens once, twice, maybe a 3rd, then you lose count.

They all expect you to move on & it will all be fine. I'll see you in a few months, yes. But Its not, and I won't. Because we all know it does take me a while to get over something. That is why Im under the stars tonight.

"I feel like Im seeing it all at once and its just too much"

Times like these, the idea of money pains me to no end. I hate it actually. I hate money. Its the reason to most of our headaches. The banging on the door, the shouts in the dining room, the worries over splurge, all anger sprouting from nothing. A materialistic misconception that makes the world go round. Something so insignificant ... and yet.. they're at it again. And what for? Money? Reusable plastic cups? It's always the same problem, but what is it this time? Last time I felt I saved a marriage, but now he's twisted my words so their relationship is in an even more broken state than ever before. At this point, I dont even care anymore. Im not going to waste my time trying to mend something so stubborn, so biased.. so childish. Im so sick of being the family shrink. This is a problem between themselves, not with me included. But all the while, Im the glue to this relationship. All this anger and apathy simply tells me: Spend life with who makes you happy, not with someone for stability. Not with someone youre afraid of. & never with someone you fight about reusable plastic cups with.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and thankfully my relationship isn't as childish as my parents. Its sad when you realize youre the adult and your parents are the children. But that's my life at the moment, how disappointing.

Quick Thought

I both hate and love how I am always finding myself stuck between two families. Having four parents means having twice the dinners to go to, having holiday nights with my dad, then regular nights with my mom.. Sometimes it gets quite frustrating having to choose all the time, but this time, it also means twice the load of receiving those beautifully smooth rosy envelopes this chinese new year!!~ WOOO! that is all.

How Unbelievably Freaking Cute

It's like the relationships we find the cutest and greatest are those when were little eight year olds and those when were old, pruny and young at heart. Beautiful.

"I think every relationship should be treated like a marriage. Don’t commit if you’re not serious. A relationship is also a promise to be more than just loyal and faithful, but also to always be there for each other through thick and thin. If you’re unsure, stick to dating. But don’t make a promise you cannot keep. If you’re not in it for the long run, why do it at all? Why put the other in danger because you’re only thinking of the present. A relationship should never be selfish, but understanding. Marriage is just a relationship with a higher title, it should always be the same as a simple healthy relationship. "

Wow that's some dedicated loving right there. I wonder if they will get married anytime soon, or ever. You just cant have enough respect for people like him.

Do you seek adventure in the everyday?

I thought a good thought for my blog today but I forgot what I remembered to write anyways..

“Getting through the workday will be a bit of a battle — not because you’re fighting with anyone, though. You just won’t want to be there. You’d much prefer to be home, either alone or with the one person on the planet you feel comfortable enough to be completely silent with. It’s not that you’re tired — you’re just drained. You’ve been burning the candle at both ends lately. It’s okay. Even you need to rest every now and then.”

Im glad my parents are loving enough to know that I need a break from this fire constantly melting my mind into scheduled workdays. So I didn't go to school today, sue me. I took a day off to clear my mind from all the pointless thoughts that float around my head when Im at school. I've been quite an observer lately because of these thoughts and it got me thinking about them insecurities again.

I need to start fresh. I need to do what I want but Im never able to maintain the interest to finish what I need to finish. Looking back to recent posts, (back when I used to update on a day-to-day basis) I feel like Ive had all these ideas, this sense of an original personality and way of thinking that made me who I was. But now, noticing all these observations and formula talks going around, I feel as though I have been sucked into the mindlessness of schooldays and my mind has become blank. blank and melodramatic. I need.. I need to stop complaining so much. dang

Open up empty word document. Stop. Go on Facebook. See this ^ in every other status. I make homework too much harder than it should be. In a sense, if I really put my mind to it, I can finish all these analysis problems fast, but obviously my mind is not into it and I wake up with hoops under my eyes and a pissy face in the morning.

Today was my mother's birthday and we last minute decided to eat out. Interesting conversation today at the dinner table. It made me remember witnessing my sister exploding her teenage backtalks at my mom. I remember after my sister left and being the younger sucker I am, I went on over to my flustered mom and promised her I would never explode like that to her face. What happened to that?

"It is no wonder that kids are growing up more cynical; they have a lot of information in front of them. They can see that they are living in a world that's made of bullshit." -Marilyn Manson