I have to constantly remind myself that
Faith is complete trust,
no doubt about it.
Hope is longing for something..
more of an optimism thing.
You know there is a possibility it wont happen.
But you hope it will happen.
You WISH it will happen.
But it may not.
Hope leads to expectations that may be disappointing.
I have to constantly remind myself to live life with faith,
and rarely hope.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
A friend in need is a friend indeed
This blog will contain horrendous transitions between paragraphs. Excuse my fragmented thoughts.
Yes, I have trust issues. But is it so wrong to feel that no one but yourself can help your own problems? Anytime I vent or open up my emotional mind to someone, all they can say is generic feel better sayings like "Oh it's going to be okay" or "Don't worry." I'm sorry but those sayings do not work. It's not that those phrases were being told in vain, but more like.. the actual words ... didn't work on me. Its the action in being there and cheering me on was what worked. Not telling me everything is going to be okay. Because most of the time I honestly think everything is not okay. I don't need pep talks. I see the concern on others faces and all I feel is not the comfort from their presence or listening ear, but rather the pity they have and the feeling of throwing a crapload of more burdens on them. Yes, pity. But that's just how I feel. Even if I were wrong, even if they genuinely cared about my situation, I feel nothing. Should I be worried?
To those of you who've felt like neglected vegetables atop a child's dinner plate, I am truly sorry. My minds been going through storm after storm lately and I find myself wanting to be more antisocial or shout at your face angry whenever I speak. I don't mean it. These situations have just been changing me to another low point of my life.
The fact that I can put on a smile so easily after two periods of straight up sleeve soaked crying fascinates me. It also saddens me to know that I'm living my day like a lie. But its stress relieving, to smile. Even though you know its fake.
I am quite ready to press the fast forward button any second now. Fast forward to next summer where I will be working in Texas, starting my life to study Restaurant Managing at Cal Poly Pomona. I am so sick of these high school faces. I need some change.
We shall get through this year even if it kills us.
Yes, I have trust issues. But is it so wrong to feel that no one but yourself can help your own problems? Anytime I vent or open up my emotional mind to someone, all they can say is generic feel better sayings like "Oh it's going to be okay" or "Don't worry." I'm sorry but those sayings do not work. It's not that those phrases were being told in vain, but more like.. the actual words ... didn't work on me. Its the action in being there and cheering me on was what worked. Not telling me everything is going to be okay. Because most of the time I honestly think everything is not okay. I don't need pep talks. I see the concern on others faces and all I feel is not the comfort from their presence or listening ear, but rather the pity they have and the feeling of throwing a crapload of more burdens on them. Yes, pity. But that's just how I feel. Even if I were wrong, even if they genuinely cared about my situation, I feel nothing. Should I be worried?
To those of you who've felt like neglected vegetables atop a child's dinner plate, I am truly sorry. My minds been going through storm after storm lately and I find myself wanting to be more antisocial or shout at your face angry whenever I speak. I don't mean it. These situations have just been changing me to another low point of my life.
The fact that I can put on a smile so easily after two periods of straight up sleeve soaked crying fascinates me. It also saddens me to know that I'm living my day like a lie. But its stress relieving, to smile. Even though you know its fake.
I am quite ready to press the fast forward button any second now. Fast forward to next summer where I will be working in Texas, starting my life to study Restaurant Managing at Cal Poly Pomona. I am so sick of these high school faces. I need some change.
We shall get through this year even if it kills us.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Facade
Rereading what I write online in conversations and realizing how bubbly and happy I sound. Disgusting.
I hate to admit it, but Im still really bitter about peer counseling. 1) for not accepting me into PC 2) for ignoring you. But I guess its not their fault. I know that is a very selfish and pointless reason to be so angry about, but I can't help it. I was listening into a PC talking to a parent about the class and the PC said something like "we help kids who feel suicidal.." and the parent asked "how do you find these kids?" and the PC said the kid can go to their glc and and we help. And all the while Im just thinking, what a load of bullcrap. PC doesnt help students. If they really knew kids that were depressed then kids like me wouldnt be feeling like I do at school everyday. I feel Im pushed down and away from my attempts to feel a part of something and then my low self esteem takes over and I feel alone and suicidal again. I feel this deep pain my chest. Like the feeling you get when youre about to cry, but you hold back your tears right before you burst. But this feeling lasts. Its not just a second, its been happening for awhile now. And I dont know why I cant just control my mind. Why I cant just stop thinking so lowly of myself or bitterly towards others and just smile genuinely for once and live. I know Im given the chance to fit in, to talk and be a part of the student life, but the idea just doesnt seem appealing enough for me to step out of my introvert mind and actually get to meet people. Everyday I feel like Im dying a little every extra second I spend in high school. I feel like this feeling might last. And Im terrified of that.
On another note, I feel like Im losing myself in my faith. Yes already. Ive only experienced the PRESENCE for such a short time and already I feel like Im slipping away. It was great while it lasted but again, I find myself going through this tugowar between logic and faith and as of now, logic is winning. I dont know which side to take and I cant stay in the middle to compromise. Im not sure of what to do or believe in. But Im hoping whatever happens, it happens for a good reason and Im satisfied with it.
I hate to admit it, but Im still really bitter about peer counseling. 1) for not accepting me into PC 2) for ignoring you. But I guess its not their fault. I know that is a very selfish and pointless reason to be so angry about, but I can't help it. I was listening into a PC talking to a parent about the class and the PC said something like "we help kids who feel suicidal.." and the parent asked "how do you find these kids?" and the PC said the kid can go to their glc and and we help. And all the while Im just thinking, what a load of bullcrap. PC doesnt help students. If they really knew kids that were depressed then kids like me wouldnt be feeling like I do at school everyday. I feel Im pushed down and away from my attempts to feel a part of something and then my low self esteem takes over and I feel alone and suicidal again. I feel this deep pain my chest. Like the feeling you get when youre about to cry, but you hold back your tears right before you burst. But this feeling lasts. Its not just a second, its been happening for awhile now. And I dont know why I cant just control my mind. Why I cant just stop thinking so lowly of myself or bitterly towards others and just smile genuinely for once and live. I know Im given the chance to fit in, to talk and be a part of the student life, but the idea just doesnt seem appealing enough for me to step out of my introvert mind and actually get to meet people. Everyday I feel like Im dying a little every extra second I spend in high school. I feel like this feeling might last. And Im terrified of that.
On another note, I feel like Im losing myself in my faith. Yes already. Ive only experienced the PRESENCE for such a short time and already I feel like Im slipping away. It was great while it lasted but again, I find myself going through this tugowar between logic and faith and as of now, logic is winning. I dont know which side to take and I cant stay in the middle to compromise. Im not sure of what to do or believe in. But Im hoping whatever happens, it happens for a good reason and Im satisfied with it.
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