I miss those days when everyone would blog, even if it was step by step narration of meaningless events.

Oh no! Home alone on a monday night after a rainy day... I know the Negative Thoughts are watching closely, ready to pounce. Can this week crawl by any slower?

I miss my sunglasses.

Texas. At this point, my summer stay in Texas is at a 50/50 chance. The decision stands as to whether I still feel like going or not. I've been weighing the options. It shouldn't matter leaving everyone/thing I know even if it is for a short while. Gotta have a break from Southern California. Sure I haven't truly yet experienced the essence of LA Nights and Socal sun, but those adventures shall wait until I have the freedom and chance to. So on one hand, I get to finally leave and meet new people, learn new things, get a job. On the other hand, I'd be living a summer with a complete stranger. That's... about it. Nothing to miss. But will I be able to bear the prospect of having no authority to answer to but myself? For "madness is the result of being removed from one’s social context and allowed to be the sole arbiter of one’s own actions." Yet here I am still struggling with the idea of nothing to miss. Seems like every relationship I have nowadays is just as easily disconnected. Inspiration comes with such ease, but I never have the strength to actually do anything about it.

I am a walking lightning bolt.

Everything I touch is a static shock. I think it's all this negativity taking over my mind and distributing themselves rather comfortably all around; thus leaving my body with quite a surplus of negative charge. I can practically feel the excitement of my negative particles floating along, happy to have so much free space to roam now that all my positive charge has disappeared along with my optimistic mind. How discomforting. It's as if everywhere I go is a carpet, and I'm just shuffling along in wool socks. But instead of a carpet, it's my days; and instead of socks, it's my mind: the mecca to all this negativity. I guess this is what it's come to.

You suck. You suck you suck you suck I hate you goodbye. You suck.

Such a problem when we let our emotions get the best of us.

To my utter dismay, I've got nothing to say.

"In time, things will get better." Procrastination at its finest. Everything I do goes along with this thought, consciously or not. For instance: high school. But I do try to enjoy it. I have to. It's my senior year. But I can't, all I can do is nothing but feel so drained. These people aren't your people. Everyone is at a disconnect in their little groups. You didn't grow up with them. So don't try. In my apathetic mind, I don't try. And I just don't feel anything. I don't feel that there is a problem with not enjoying my senior year to its fullest potential; not speaking to anyone and just staying silent. No problem with hating every second I move from class to class. Yet concurrently, I'm screaming inside my silent mind, screaming at how much of an idiot I am for being like this.

But no worries! In time, things will get better. In time, I will graduate to college and my apathetic mind will melt away, leaving my true being to finally reveal itself. But nothing has changed. I'm weak, indecisive, and stubborn with no faith in anything. I can't open myself up to anyone as much as I do on this blog ironically. I fear getting close to anyone, even those you'd expect I should be close to and I can never answer the question to "What's wrong?" I don't know what's wrong. In the moment I'm asked, I can't think of an answer. I get frustrated over the simplest things and I keep telling myself to change everyday. Smile more. Appreciate things. Socialize goddammit! But I don't. Because the confines of my mind are so much more comforting than making eye contact with others. I don't have everything I need to be in a content state. I have no idea how to even get close to being in a content state. I hope looking forward to "in time" will not be another big disappointment. 30 hours in less than a month. Projects. Rehearsal. School. Hangouts. A 10pm curfew. Sleep. So much to do in so little time that my sleep has been the first to take the toll. When WILL the time come when things get better? I don't know whether to anticipate the day or just be plain terrified.

I thought a thought.

I hate being here. I want to be alone in my room pantsless and not having a single care. But no. I usually spend most of the time in my room thinking anyways. Thinking and over thinking everything that I shouldn't be thinking about. My greatest weakness is that I think too much about what people think of me. A bit too much. And a lot of times it's the very problem that hinders me from getting close to anyone. I would be with a group of people wanting to catch up, yet I would rather walk away to be alone again. I am constantly full of emotions, worrying and thinking of ways to be more sociable, but when the moment comes, I reject the idea and do nothing. A contradiction. But I dont want to do anything and it's becoming extremely difficult for me to maintain small talk conversations (no matter how interesting you could debate the difference between essays and research papers). My mind is on its smoking break, just blanking out mid conversation. I fall asleep standing up with my eyes open and I don't pay attention. My thoughts drift. Call it rude, but I can not put myself through another meaningless small talk conversation anymore. I would just leave to go blank out somewhere else. I don't know how to respond to these situations. What's wrong?

"There's no point to lessons that don't bring with them pain. People can't gain anything without sacrificing something, right. But once you've successfully endured that pain, you gain a heart that is stout enough not to be overcome by anything. A heart made fullmetal."

I've finally been able to finish watching all of Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood. Success! But that means no more new episodes of How I Met Your Mother, Misfits, or The Office... now what? I find myself always searching for another new game, series or hobby that completely wastes my time but can't help to waste my time with. I've been searching for something that could fill up those moments of emptiness and space to accompany my mind aside from my boring days. Every show always has an end though. Or just takes way too long to broadcast a new episode. Goodness, my patience is killing me. I have the patience to work on simple things on my own, but when it comes to dealing with other things beyond my control, I start to get restless. Fullmetal Alchemist, what a lovely story. I shall miss looking forward to its episodes of awesomeness.

Hello to the New Year!

I haven't blogged since last year! Good riddance to 2011. What a complicated time. But this year shall be a new start! A new start to a completely similar lifestyle. I shall have no new resolutions this year only due to the reason that it takes too much energy thinking of one and I probably will never pull through with it. This apathetic senior mind is getting to me. But I'll try. I shall try thinking of everyday as a new start and enjoying my time when I'm around people. I shall try to finish whatever I start. But that probably won't happen anytime soon. There's a lot on my schedule that I need to get over with, but I just don't have the interest or time to. Lately I've been tired. Very tired.

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."
—Neil Gaiman