Monday, April 30, 2012
you are here
Today I went to church for, technically, the first time. And they had us close our eyes and pray to our hearts. When I did, I felt something really.. different. I felt like I died to myself. Like I threw away my pride and ego for 2 seconds. I didn't understand why it was so hard for me to simply raise my hand up, even if I thought I was faking it. But even faking that, I hesitated. Honestly, it felt embarrassing - like the kind of embarrassed you get when your pride is mocked or tested. Maybe that's why I hesitated. I even opened my eyes to see if anyone was watching but I shut it fast. I didn't want to be seen with my hand up - that meant I would be believing in something that made no sense. Everything being said, everything about faith and a confusing relationship - it all absolutely did not make any sense and has never made sense. But I kept my hand there, at my heart, even though it felt so degrading. Just this small struggle broke me and then I felt the tears sliding down. What in the world was wrong with me? I found myself crying, but not exactly sure what for. But still, I cried and the tears just kept on coming. Whether it was for all the weariness, worries and internal pains of feeling so lost - I just cried. Then the lights came on and just like that, it was over.
Afterwards, even if it was for a small moment, I felt a sense of complete contentment. Not peace, but just content; like the feeling you get when you eat the right amount of food in a meal. It felt good driving to Buffalo Springfield while on our way to dinner actually. Nothing to do but grin pointlessly at all the good things I have. So for a moment, I was happy. I even smiled at people I normally wouldn't have smiled at - and by that I mean genuinely smiled, from the outside AND in this time. No more past tensions to weigh me down. But it was only for a moment and nothing more. And now I'm writing this blog.
There's something happening here. What it is, ain't exactly clear. Well maybe I'm just scared. And stubborn. Too weak to move forward. Too afraid of what's to come next. Too ashamed to even admit it. But there's something happening here. I'm sure of it.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
nothing worth the praise
I find it ironic that people are commending me for recycling. As if I'm this amazing great soul for doing so. I'm just moving trash to another area - like India, where it will be recycled by smog producing fire machines that bring more fumes into the atmosphere. It's not like I'm saving the world or making it better. Well... maybe for suburban society yes. Moving away what isn't wanted to be seen so things seem somewhat nicer. As if stuffing all the dust under the rug makes a room truly clean. They see me picking up their trash when I see myself making extra pocket money. It's as simple as that.
This new blogspot layout needs some getting used to.
Dammit. I either want or never want to have anything to do with you ever again. I don't know which I could live with. Loud noise electro beats to block it all out. Like death metal screamo to some, I've been listening to transformer dubstep. Those drops couldn't be a better remedy to my headbanging angry phases.
Friday, April 20, 2012
History, Expectations, Reality
“Do you want to go eat dinner at your cousin Cammi’s today?” I shuffled to the door and settled into the car. My mother’s voice sounded again. “Hey Mei, dinner?” Her question finally settled in my consciousness as I processed her words slowly. After a long day at school, I would have enjoyed nothing more than the comforts of my own room at home but then I began to weigh the options. Dinner at my cousin’s guaranteed a filling meal, good old bonding time, but most of all, the possibility of seeing my father. My father. The type of man that was rumored to be reckless, impulsive, and have this aura of the greatest intimidation. My parents divorced when I was too young to remember. Every once in awhile I would receive birthday money, a small visit on the weekends to catch up, but overall, history with my father never involved a stable enough relationship to spark a loving affection for. The thought of meeting him again always seemed to strike a fear in me. What if it’s awkward? Do I hug him? What do I say? – but as soon as my mother’s voice came back again, I conclude to an answer and agree to go. I figured being with my cousin was a much more pleasant thought than the awkwardness of meeting him. I just won’t drop by to say hello, I thought.
My cousin lived literally two doors away from my father, but a visit to her house never gave excuse to visit his. As my mother and I were greeted at the door, I saw every face except one. Oh no, I realized, I forgot that today was one of those days my cousin had night classes. Down went all those thoughts of hanging out and with it replaced disappointment as I took a seat to eat dinner with a table full of adults. My mother and Aunt struck up a conversation I had no interest in. No more interest now that I was the only child there. I began picking at my food. I was all alone. Then the front door opened and in came my father. He took two steps inside and soon locked eyes with my mother. I began to wonder if he might even join us for a bowl of soup - but the second this happened, he turned back around and headed straight for the door, closing it behind him without a word. Typical. “Where did he go? He doesn’t want to eat?” I asked. “Oh he probably left because I’m here.” my mother responded indifferently. And then, dinner went back to normal. I began to think about my father. Where he went and whether I should go see him. No, you don’t want that, I told myself, it’s going to be too awkward.
After the meal, the adults decided to go out to a night seminar which left me at my cousin’s home with their two dogs. I settled at the living room and took out my itouch, resorted to trying to beat a high score on Fruit Ninja to pass time. Yet at the same moment I settled down, my itouch died. It had to be the most amazing perfect thing to happen at that moment. Now I was truly was alone. I called my cousin who seemed to be the only person in her home to own a charger, but she wouldn’t be coming back home anytime soon. And then she suggested one thing, “Your dad has one.” My dad has one. Of course my dad has one. But the thought of walking two doors down made me cringe. So I thanked her, hung up, and stared at the dead device. What am I going to do now? I wondered. Then at that moment, there was a knock on the door and my father appeared. He was back to get something from the house he had forgotten to get before. This moment of realization gave me a split second to prepare for the flood of awkward small talk to come. I forced a smile.
“Uhmm oh hey dad.” I began.
“Mei mei! What are you doing here?” He said.
“Just… sitting. We ate dinner here! What about you?”
“I just needed to get some keys.” He responded.
“Oh okay.”
Silence. He then caught sight of the itouch in my hands. “You have an itouch now?” He walked over and began to fiddle with it. “What’s wrong with it? Did it lose battery?”
“Yeah. I was trying to beat my high score on Fruit Ninja.”
“You play Fruit Ninja? I’m good! Here, I teach you.” With that, he took my itouch and walked out the door. I assumed I was supposed to follow him, so I scrambled up and shuffled behind him to his house. Once there, he took a charger, plugged it in and began to play. I stood at first and then sat down next to him.
“The trick is you have to get a lot of good combos, see.” A swoop. The fruit juices come splattering down.
“And you can move your hand around; you don’t have to just chop in a straight line.” He made a graceful swish congratulated with several points worth applauding.
“Aha! See! This is how you play Fruit Ninja!” And with the final flick, he landed a total of 967 points in one try. It took me all day to even get up to a quarter of that score. I was in an awe of disbelief.
“Wow… Dad…ha! Now let me try.” And I reached for the device.
My cousin lived literally two doors away from my father, but a visit to her house never gave excuse to visit his. As my mother and I were greeted at the door, I saw every face except one. Oh no, I realized, I forgot that today was one of those days my cousin had night classes. Down went all those thoughts of hanging out and with it replaced disappointment as I took a seat to eat dinner with a table full of adults. My mother and Aunt struck up a conversation I had no interest in. No more interest now that I was the only child there. I began picking at my food. I was all alone. Then the front door opened and in came my father. He took two steps inside and soon locked eyes with my mother. I began to wonder if he might even join us for a bowl of soup - but the second this happened, he turned back around and headed straight for the door, closing it behind him without a word. Typical. “Where did he go? He doesn’t want to eat?” I asked. “Oh he probably left because I’m here.” my mother responded indifferently. And then, dinner went back to normal. I began to think about my father. Where he went and whether I should go see him. No, you don’t want that, I told myself, it’s going to be too awkward.
After the meal, the adults decided to go out to a night seminar which left me at my cousin’s home with their two dogs. I settled at the living room and took out my itouch, resorted to trying to beat a high score on Fruit Ninja to pass time. Yet at the same moment I settled down, my itouch died. It had to be the most amazing perfect thing to happen at that moment. Now I was truly was alone. I called my cousin who seemed to be the only person in her home to own a charger, but she wouldn’t be coming back home anytime soon. And then she suggested one thing, “Your dad has one.” My dad has one. Of course my dad has one. But the thought of walking two doors down made me cringe. So I thanked her, hung up, and stared at the dead device. What am I going to do now? I wondered. Then at that moment, there was a knock on the door and my father appeared. He was back to get something from the house he had forgotten to get before. This moment of realization gave me a split second to prepare for the flood of awkward small talk to come. I forced a smile.
“Uhmm oh hey dad.” I began.
“Mei mei! What are you doing here?” He said.
“Just… sitting. We ate dinner here! What about you?”
“I just needed to get some keys.” He responded.
“Oh okay.”
Silence. He then caught sight of the itouch in my hands. “You have an itouch now?” He walked over and began to fiddle with it. “What’s wrong with it? Did it lose battery?”
“Yeah. I was trying to beat my high score on Fruit Ninja.”
“You play Fruit Ninja? I’m good! Here, I teach you.” With that, he took my itouch and walked out the door. I assumed I was supposed to follow him, so I scrambled up and shuffled behind him to his house. Once there, he took a charger, plugged it in and began to play. I stood at first and then sat down next to him.
“The trick is you have to get a lot of good combos, see.” A swoop. The fruit juices come splattering down.
“And you can move your hand around; you don’t have to just chop in a straight line.” He made a graceful swish congratulated with several points worth applauding.
“Aha! See! This is how you play Fruit Ninja!” And with the final flick, he landed a total of 967 points in one try. It took me all day to even get up to a quarter of that score. I was in an awe of disbelief.
“Wow… Dad…ha! Now let me try.” And I reached for the device.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Noshi Sushi
The only way to get a good smile shot of him is if you sneak a candid moment while he's laughing his hilarious little giggle no one could imitate.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Would you consider pride a fault or a virtue?
That I couldn't say. Maybe it's that I find it hard to forgive the follies and vices of others, or their offenses against me. My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever.
Before you are quick to judge, watch where their motives lie. But it is possible his pride has taken over his love for you. A lot of times, hope gets in the way of seeing one's true character. The character that is flawed and can make you hurt.
I'm sorry my dear. It breaks me to see you hurt like this. I wish it were ethical to leave my dead jacuzzi rat rotting on his doorstep. That'll show him.
That I couldn't say. Maybe it's that I find it hard to forgive the follies and vices of others, or their offenses against me. My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever.
Before you are quick to judge, watch where their motives lie. But it is possible his pride has taken over his love for you. A lot of times, hope gets in the way of seeing one's true character. The character that is flawed and can make you hurt.
I'm sorry my dear. It breaks me to see you hurt like this. I wish it were ethical to leave my dead jacuzzi rat rotting on his doorstep. That'll show him.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Impulsssscision
CONS: Yes, it's two days to prom.
-Yes, you have no experience in making actual clothes (or using your sewing machine).
-You already spent $140 on a dress that doesn't fit after spending two afternoons arguing with a bush-mouthed manager.
-You're rushing everyone around you to help and bothering them to grudging thoughts.
-Your grade will drop from having to retake two tests after the last day of the six week grading period.
-Everyone professional claims it is impossible to do so in so little time.
-Everyone says you can't do it.
PROS: I'm going to look damm sexy.
Looks like the pros outweigh the cons! It's 10:28 PM, Thursday night and I have no intention of resting anytime soon. My blood is coursing with caffeine to push me on through the night. I absolutively must get this done. It's so depressing how I work the best under stress and pressure, seeing how I tend to always put things off to last minute until the full force of the situation hits. So many things to prepare, and I'm far from finished. Why oh why do all my good ideas always come so last minute? Well break time over, back to the sewing machines. Be like Nike.
-Yes, you have no experience in making actual clothes (or using your sewing machine).
-You already spent $140 on a dress that doesn't fit after spending two afternoons arguing with a bush-mouthed manager.
-You're rushing everyone around you to help and bothering them to grudging thoughts.
-Your grade will drop from having to retake two tests after the last day of the six week grading period.
-Everyone professional claims it is impossible to do so in so little time.
-Everyone says you can't do it.
PROS: I'm going to look damm sexy.
Looks like the pros outweigh the cons! It's 10:28 PM, Thursday night and I have no intention of resting anytime soon. My blood is coursing with caffeine to push me on through the night. I absolutively must get this done. It's so depressing how I work the best under stress and pressure, seeing how I tend to always put things off to last minute until the full force of the situation hits. So many things to prepare, and I'm far from finished. Why oh why do all my good ideas always come so last minute? Well break time over, back to the sewing machines. Be like Nike.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
How to Bargain w/o Really Trying
17 years of living half an hour away from one of the most unexpectedly exciting cities in the world and I never got to experience any of these hidden diners and cafes. We spent all afternoon today experiencing the aesthetic appeals of LA. From tasting exotic rattlesnake rabbit sausages, visiting more restaurant inspirations, haggle shopping, and meeting other imaginary communities; it was a good last day to this year's spring break. I was smiling like an idiot the whole time. Shame I couldn't take any pictures worth looking at. Anyways, it seems like every time we make a trip to the Rose Bowl Flea Market, the weather decides to blaze searing hot sun rays on our delicate bodies. But despite the heat, I was able to get some really good deals today. I really think I'm getting a hang of this bargaining!
Tips I learned:
-Only haggle when cash is involved and there is no set price
-Set a really low price for a reason (point out rips, stains, wears & tears), you can always haggle your way up to a compromised price
-Combine two items for a cheaper price (2 $15 bags for $25)
-Be able to perceive which seller is rude and which doesn't care about what price, as long as they have the money (Dunn let them rude ones get your money)
-Don't be swayed by the seller's reasons for their unbelievably ridiculous pricing, if it's too high then don't buy it (no matter how amazing that leather green backpack may be)
-Be confident in your stated price
-State an imaginary competitor's lower price, if they believe you and if they're that desperate for money, then you got your deal (muahaha)
That is all. Happy Bargaining/Easter/Last day of break/&homework cram day. Oh goodness, back to school. What a drag. Time to lose my soul again to brainless thinking meh.
Tips I learned:
-Only haggle when cash is involved and there is no set price
-Set a really low price for a reason (point out rips, stains, wears & tears), you can always haggle your way up to a compromised price
-Combine two items for a cheaper price (2 $15 bags for $25)
-Be able to perceive which seller is rude and which doesn't care about what price, as long as they have the money (Dunn let them rude ones get your money)
-Don't be swayed by the seller's reasons for their unbelievably ridiculous pricing, if it's too high then don't buy it (no matter how amazing that leather green backpack may be)
-Be confident in your stated price
-State an imaginary competitor's lower price, if they believe you and if they're that desperate for money, then you got your deal (muahaha)
That is all. Happy Bargaining/Easter/Last day of break/&homework cram day. Oh goodness, back to school. What a drag. Time to lose my soul again to brainless thinking meh.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
what a bore
I've misplaced my glasses. Now my vision is slightly impaired, contributing to my future squint wrinkles. Oh sight. Now I have to commit to gathering enough energy at the end of the day to drag myself to the bathroom and apply these night contacts that don't seem to work no matter how many times I put them on. My vision will always be slightly impaired.
I was listening to my ipod today. Ipod not itouch because I destroyed it in the process of hopelessly fixing its cracked screen. My ipod kept making heaving last breaths until it died on me completely.
Every little item to help make my life a little bit easier has failed on me today.
Boo hoo.
I wonder if a glasses gnome took it.
I even googled it. No response. But I did find this article. About how our minds coincide constantly with our long and short term memories to make decisions and forget things.
I wonder if I tapped into my short term memories, I would be able to find my glasses somewhere in there.
I wonder about how limited our minds remember things. That if we truly were able to tap into the other part of our unconsciousness, we would remember and understand everything. Limitless. I hope this were true. Then I could find my glasses.
I wonder if I can start lucid dreaming.
I sit on a chair there to think about where my glasses could possibly be. Then my mind drifts to other sounds. A conversation begins citing questions that I never dreamed of asking. The idea of doing the unthinkable by a feeling so real. I've been quite curious lately on how to achieve such a feat. I've been curious of a lot of things.
Then I wake up.
How realistic my dreams have become. How boring.
And I still have not found my glasses.
I was listening to my ipod today. Ipod not itouch because I destroyed it in the process of hopelessly fixing its cracked screen. My ipod kept making heaving last breaths until it died on me completely.
Every little item to help make my life a little bit easier has failed on me today.
Boo hoo.
I wonder if a glasses gnome took it.
I even googled it. No response. But I did find this article. About how our minds coincide constantly with our long and short term memories to make decisions and forget things.
I wonder if I tapped into my short term memories, I would be able to find my glasses somewhere in there.
I wonder about how limited our minds remember things. That if we truly were able to tap into the other part of our unconsciousness, we would remember and understand everything. Limitless. I hope this were true. Then I could find my glasses.
I wonder if I can start lucid dreaming.
I sit on a chair there to think about where my glasses could possibly be. Then my mind drifts to other sounds. A conversation begins citing questions that I never dreamed of asking. The idea of doing the unthinkable by a feeling so real. I've been quite curious lately on how to achieve such a feat. I've been curious of a lot of things.
Then I wake up.
How realistic my dreams have become. How boring.
And I still have not found my glasses.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Like gold to airy thinness beat
To see it’s figure, it’s outline, the ideas and beautiful thoughts forming but still hazy. Hazy enough to keep me quiet and hurting. It hurts. This irritating silence. You're my only problem right now and I can't even confront it. I can’t think. I’m in a state before thinking. I see it, but only bits and pieces. I’m so frustrated. Why can’t I communicate these thoughts. I do know that I am frustrated. I do know that I hate the feeling I get every time I hear your godforsaken name - seeing how happy you are. How pathetic it is that all my thoughts end leading back to you. I really am holding onto something that's destroying me every second aren't I? Yet I still have this masochistic need to make you things - maybe for another chance? But must I be so pathetic around you? Why waste my thoughts that only lead me to disappointment? You've stretched my hope thin. And not in the optimistic way Robert Parker writes to his distanced lover, but in a far worse way that's made me the pathetic weak being I've become because of this. I feel so betrayed and hurt. But there's nothing I can do but float along with your genuinely good hearted sappy niceness GOD it makes me sick to see how nice you are. Why do you have to be such a good person? Makes it even worse knowing I hate you. Makes me feel like a terrible person. I'm a terrible person. My pride has a hard time accepting this defeat. There's really nothing I could do but secretly hate you like any other immature child would do. And because of you, I now have a hard time trusting people. Because of you, I have a hard time having faith in anything. Thanks for that.
This mental stagnation is such a problem. I constantly find I am able to give answers to others when I find myself still held back, unable to move ahead and accept anything as comforting. Putting my thoughts to the test and even reading. And yet I could feel what a sham my true motives are. I'm searching for answers but silently I hear a secret voice, telling me this mental stagnation is now a comfort. Or is it? Je n'ai aucune idée.
Been a fool for weeks
'Cause my heart stands for nothing and your soul's too weak
Got a will that's been around for days
Goes far if you want it, it needs to behave.
This mental stagnation is such a problem. I constantly find I am able to give answers to others when I find myself still held back, unable to move ahead and accept anything as comforting. Putting my thoughts to the test and even reading. And yet I could feel what a sham my true motives are. I'm searching for answers but silently I hear a secret voice, telling me this mental stagnation is now a comfort. Or is it? Je n'ai aucune idée.
Been a fool for weeks
'Cause my heart stands for nothing and your soul's too weak
Got a will that's been around for days
Goes far if you want it, it needs to behave.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)