Even if I killed you - destroyed every ounce of your physical existence and dusted away the evidence - my mind still wouldn't be at peace.

You won't understand what's going on.

I don't really understand what it is also. But I do know this: I really really just want someone to simply emotionally punch me in the face. Yea I don't get it either. I basically just want to argue with someone. And it can't be just any argument with just any one. It has to be with someone I love, someone I care about or think of constantly; bickering of a little something where it would hit hard and hurt the most. I want them to call me out on every little flaw I have, every thing I've ever done to hurt them and hurt me back in the process. Everyone I know is so passive. They just take in all my angry remarks and say "I don't really feel like talking." But I need someone - someone who could stay with me through this emotional period I'm going through, whatever it is, someone who could scream back instead of letting the phone go silent and not know what to say. Someone that could hurt me just the same. I don't know why, but that's what I've really wanted. An argument. A fight. I'm tired of all the unspoken silences and dismissive looks. I need this fight, so that when it's all over, I shall never talk to this person again and I will lose that person I love so then, I would have lost everything, and then I could start over. Because you don't begin to live until you've lost everything.

I'm going about this the wrong way aren't I? Okay. Time to call to apologize.

A Series of Frustrations

It's at its last breath; teetering on a very dangerous edge and barely holding on. People ask me how you're doing but I honestly don't know myself. I can never talk to you. I never do. In fact we only speak for a few min a day. Sometimes a few words a day. Like we never established anything at all for the last two years. Every time I try or whenever I need someone to talk to, I try to confide in you. But you're never there for me. Always busy or in some loud place. Never again can we just lay in bed and smile sleep to the phone.

I guess this is what I wanted. But why does it still hurt so much? I thought I was better. I thought I could take it. But after this small meeting, it's all back to normal. I really want to just, shut myself in a place no one could reach me until I'm better again. I can't even concentrate right now..