The Wisdom of Rats

"Time has also been a problem since I cannot keep the past in the past, cannot believe the present is pure and freestanding, and think the future is simply a place we imagine."


Well... it's a start. Even though it still brings back a tugging pain every once in awhile. At least I don't miss you anymore.

I can't do this. I can't let this go. Why is it so hard for me to simply just forget about it? I thought I was happy and I thought I moved on. But one second back and my mind is out of control. I can't concentrate. I can't hear what they are saying. What anyone is saying. It's not clear. It's all just leading back to that one thing and it's so so very LOUD. All I can think about is that presence right there and it's driving me MAD. Chasing nonsense. Why. Why WHY? I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to. How to get rid of this. Turn to God? But I have my doubts. I try too hard. All I can do is avoid it. I feel so pathetic knowing these thoughts are only one way. I can't believe it's all still bothering me. Please just make it stop.

"I do not associate with people who blame the world for their problems."

‎"Get out your guns it's time to start a fight'

I think we're made to feel pain. To absorb it into our every being, purposely tempting sadness. I want someone to yell at me. To be angry and just rip apart this memory to the point where I could feel it. I need to wake up so I can feel something, anything. And so, I target the one's I'm closest to. I press their buttons. I fail to keep conversation. I make my pathetic frown apparent. Everything I used to do when I was a little brat child. But nothing. Not even an answer. Every second becomes a second too late to respond back and then the thought is forgotten. Destructive loneliness once again.

The problem is that I have too many expectations which ultimately leave me with disappointment. Stuck with a mind that only hears what it wants to hear because it's easier. Yes. For some reason, it seems easier to collide paths with someone than to be alone. Much more easier to run away from what your mind, body and soul are screaming out because it's better than facing the truth.

Cherish the moment when you see one's passion come alive through finger tips and sound in closed eyes.