Joshua Springs

A night of escape to Joshua Springs. The spawn of Palm Springs and Joshua Tree; the middle that meets in between. A small town where everyone knows each other and have street car conversations at red stop lights. Antique shops at every block. The land of Napoleon Dynamite: quiet, desolate and beautiful. Peace from all your suburban worries to just relax and look up at the excellent dark and rural sky of stars and satellites. The lingering smokiness of campfire left on your clothes. The crackling of the burning wood in the company of the lorax trees.. I absolutely love holiday breaks. The best time for a sigh of relief.

Bird Hazard

Antenna - the middle that meets in between.







Le whores de le caméra

Sur la montagne



I've never seen so many stars since 6th grade.

In the midst of the morning dew

Futuristic tube trailer

Deux amoureux tout étourdis

I cant wait until the day someone will ask "How are you?" and I could finally, truthfully smile back "I'm doing great."

The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat

Tonight, we watched Cats live at the Candlelight Pavilion; a privately owned dinner theater we've been going to since my laced sock days (you can say it's kind of a family tradition). Watching these shows always inspire me to just be more "out there" and a better actor. But I have a problem between dreaming about something and actually doing it. You see, in my mind, I am this wonderful outgoing person with this spontaneous personality and dynamic character that I'm not afraid to show (kind of like the characters on stage). But all these thoughts of my dream self are filtered through my worries and judgmental fears from others that I end up becoming this introverted fart with low confidence. Well anyways, I drank my first full cup of coffee tonight watching the show and I couldn't stop feeling so jittery! Normally I don't drink coffee because one small sip overwhelms me with this massive headache, but I had to wake up. So now there's this weird feeling running through my blood stream. It's like that nervous shake you get before you go up on stage and can't keep still. My hands are sweaty, my mouth is dry, and I have to pee a lot. I probably won't be able to sleep well tonight..

ANYWAYS. Watching the show, my mind was moving a mile a second critiquing the music, the dances, make up, their acting and my acting. Even though I wasn't actually acting. I kept observing the actor's personalities, how they interacted with each other and how distinct they made every character. All the while, I was constantly thinking of ways I could improve my own character in our school's dinner theater: whether I could be as great as that character on stage or how I would play something out. Up till this point, being in advanced drama has shown me that I'm not that great of an actor/actress as any of the others in my class. I'm just a beginner. I keep struggling with vocal variety, voice clarity and projection. In my mind, my voice sounds loud and clear. But in real life, it's a jumbled mess that's quiet and incomprehensible. I'm struggling so hard trying to get my character right and I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong and not entertaining at all. Agh who knew acting was so difficult?? I wish I was as great as those cats on stage. I wish I could dumbfound audiences as great as they did. I have to say it was a pretty amazing show even though I hate cats. So yes, it was a good night. But I'm never drinking another cup of coffee again.

One wrong look, one critical comment, or one late reply. All things that ruin my day in one second. I have too many feelings in my head that make me worry too much. I wish I could stop, but these one moments fester up and rot my mind and I'm a sad mess again. I am extremely exhausted from today (after 14 hours of staying in school straight) but I cannot keep my mind to itself! Or else it will start whispering sad nothings in my ear again and I will be more of a downer. No spoon fed God session for me tonight. Tonight, I shall instead drown these stupid feelings into satisfying my craving for crepe making. À la prochaine!

1:05-1:30

I am a stubborn person. Even my horoscope and my chinese zodiac confirms it. But I never figured it would be such a problem until recently. I realize that yes, I have been acting a bit down lately: ending my conversations with "Bye, I hate you" or answering my "Where are you going?" with "To go kill myself." We've all contemplated suicide at least once. And yes I have to admit I've been contemplating it more than usual lately. But I've been contemplating it in a different way. Not technically in ways to actually kill myself physically, but emotionally. I've been draining my days of life; of a meaning to smile or even enjoy it. When people come up to me, I still respond, but not in the way that would keep the conversation going, not something to look back to and make you think, life is good. What is it that makes me so comfortable being like this? I'm given so many chances to be better and change. Yet I don't even try. It's as if I'm trying so hard to be as antisocial and misanthropic as I could. Why? Is it the fear of that awkward moment? The fear of judgement? Of what to say next? Of losing another friend. My relationship with people is moderately okay at the moment. It's in the middle where you are neither at jeopardy of losing a person, but close enough to at least start a small talk conversation. I dont want to ruin it. So I've built this wall around myself that's covered in fuzzy warm surroundings that I've grown so comfortable in and I'm too stubborn to get out. Yes, I give up too easily. I don't even have the motivation to try. It's hard to get back up when there's no reason to. Maybe this is just a subconscious test to see who are the people that stick, even with my depressing mood. Or maybe I just want attention, that's where most of these thoughts derive from don't they? Ahh but that's so pathetic.. If only I could just snuggle in bed and watch How I Met Your Mother all day. That would make me happy.

Today (well yesterday) of November 11, 2011 at 11:11 pm, I made a wish instead of taking a moment of silence to honor Veteran's Day. Oh man I feel bad.

The Balm of Hurt Minds

Sleep that knits up the ravelled sleave of care,
The death of each day's life, sore labor's bath,
Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course,
Chief nourisher in life's feast.
-Macbeth, 2. 2

Can't sleep with all this tension in my mind. Thinking of everything and nothing at once. Blanking out. Deafening silence. I have school in 3 hours and 56 min but I can't bring myself to close my eyes and rest. I need that death to my life right now; to balm my hurt mind and rejuvenate my senses, but its the stage of actually getting to sleep that's the hard part. I lay down, close my eyes, and another thought smacks my mind awake making it impossible to step into temporary relief. But a part of me does not even want to sleep. I have to get my mind off things, and the best way thus far seems to be pushing my time clock to its maximum limit, till it collapses on itself out of pure exhaustion. I want my memories to be deleted like Clementine's. So I could start over with something different and forget everything I left behind. Im tired of making decisions. There will be no time travel for me tonight.

Can I just shoot myself in the head to get all these horrible thoughts out. Someone just please crush my skull five billion times. Stomp on it until its a bloody mass of nothing embedded into the ground. My mind, heart and soul are hurting. Theyre crushed. But the pain is entrapped in this stupid skull of mine. I have to let it out. But that would be selfish to my future selves. I dont think my future selves would like that very much.

MUST GET PIERRE HERMÉ'S MACARON BOOK

It has all the how to's and not to do's on making the perfect macaron! Five star rating with clear pictures, easy recipes and now in english from one of the top chefs in the world. All I have to do is save up $40 to buy this sucker. If only english translations were cheaper..

Today was a beautiful day. I saw it in several stages. Once when it was dark and gloomy, pit pattering raindrops on my window sill; my kind of weather. The next a puffy cloud blue sky type of day with golden sun. The kind of weather where you answer "Il fait beau au'jourd hui" in french class and makes you want to go out for a walk. But I did nothing today. I spent half of my 4 hours awake eating and the other half feeling nauseous. Now I look back out my window and BAM another stage; back to the gloomy dark rain clouds of thunder and light. If only I could just have plans to do on rainy sundays but boo, there's no one to make plans with. Maybe I should try going to church on sundays. At least that'll give me something to do. But then again I shouldn't. Because that would be going for the wrong reason. And that would be bad.

Everybody's downstairs eating. I'm supposed to join them but my headache is stopping me from getting up and making the long trek below. I don't want soup. Why'd I say I wanted soup in the first place? I'm not hungry. I have that deep feeling in my stomach again. I feel dizzy. I have a headache. After 13 hours of sleep I still have a headache. I feel like the smell of chemicals and paint are all over my face and its taking away my fresh air. It's quite unpleasant.

Macaron Quest

▲ That's a really ugly thumb.

I must satisfy my craving to master creating the most perfect macaron. And yes it is spelled with only one "o". 17 dollars, three tries and one wannabe pistachio success later, I still have not fully succeeded. But at least they taste mouth melting delicious! I have learned more today about macaron baking in the last few hours than I ever have spent on countless computer hours searching for a better recipe. Macarons are simple at their best, but they have quite a finicky nature. One small mistake and they turn into a mold of ugliness leaving you discouraged and with one less egg no matter how great your recipe is. But practice I will and try again I shall despite the wasted eggs and determination. At least I find lovely new music along the way.

‎"I don't like buttercream. I don't like this mixture between butter... and sugar... it just tastes like... sweet fat." Baking meter is on high. Dulce delight how you inspire me.

Happy Ghoulings

How was your weekend? Oh my weekend was fine. I just don't remember it. And I don't mean I got crazy drunk and forgetful, I just mean my weekend was good enough to be fun in the moment, but not memorable. Does that mean my weekend sucked?

Saturday- Costume making and putting my sharpie skills to the test.



Sunday- Two year anniversary with the Supafob at Griffith LA Hayride Haunt. Despite the creepy atmosphere and unexpected frights, the scariest part was walking back to the car.. through the foggy woods at night.. with no lights to shine your way.. and hearing distant screams in the background.. Fun fun fun nonetheless!



Monday (Halloween) Nutella costume = fame, glory & beautiful bag of candy


Update: My mother scheduled my wisdom tooth appointment for Dec. 17th (the first day of winter break). This concludes a winter slumber of chipmunk cheek swelling, consuming nothing delicious, and pain. Well... at least I get to go to the Young the Giant concert the day before. I give myself that much before I subject myself to two weeks of tormentous gum-healing. I don't think I will give up snowboarding though. Chipmunk cheeks or not.