Causing you pain and being forgotten into nothing. Today was the hardest day in the world. My mind is pretty blank right now. Fcking Swine Flu. At first I thought it would be nothing. News that comes and goes. But now its everywhere and around anything. Its even affecting the world around us at school, home, family. The people who are supposedly sick (see here). Fcking Swine Flu, for serious.
Annd maybe asian parents.
**Kinda sorta Snow Patrol high right now, especially with "You Could Be Happy" and "Chocolate." I wish I had this on my music.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
(500) Days of Summer
I am terrified of beautiful days. Petrified. Absolutely petrified. The thing about beautiful days is that they tend to host some of the worst events in history. Such as my shitface days. I find myself most at comfort on those days when it's gray, rainy, and cold. Like today, well this morning at least. The mist is like an armor protecting the fragile existence we all survive in. It's almost like the weather is the perfect excuse for my shitface feelings to take a day off. That is the reason to why I am so terrified of beautiful days. Petrified. Absolutely petrified.
I really seriously want to watch this movie. I LOVE Zooey Deschannel movies. Its a shame its not out yet. July 17th, Im going to be one of the first in line to watch this. Anyone else want to join?
I think life and television have come to a point where they have become pretty much the same thing. There's plenty of drama in real life. Figuring yourself out (see here), dealing with crap situations (fcking parents), making mistakes and dealing with the consequences. Its pretty messed up. But theres something about the stylized version of this pursuit of self that is so Unreal, that I wonder if we're all cheating ourselves. Looking at a life that isnt real and comparing it our own existence, cheapens the history that you are living and takes away the moment of your own escape. Maybe its because at the end of the day, that's all we have.
I really seriously want to watch this movie. I LOVE Zooey Deschannel movies. Its a shame its not out yet. July 17th, Im going to be one of the first in line to watch this. Anyone else want to join?
I think life and television have come to a point where they have become pretty much the same thing. There's plenty of drama in real life. Figuring yourself out (see here), dealing with crap situations (fcking parents), making mistakes and dealing with the consequences. Its pretty messed up. But theres something about the stylized version of this pursuit of self that is so Unreal, that I wonder if we're all cheating ourselves. Looking at a life that isnt real and comparing it our own existence, cheapens the history that you are living and takes away the moment of your own escape. Maybe its because at the end of the day, that's all we have.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Mission Accomplished
Today, Saturday morning that is, was one of those days that you know will be a memory. Its the feeling of when you look back and realize that this was before.
And it was absolutely lovely.
Just lovely.
Ive said it before, but my relationship with the city of Walnut is depressing. I truly believe that I was not destined to live here. And I spent the 3 years living here debating the reasons of whether there is a better place. I grew more and more reticent about this eventuality. But theres always something off, always Someone, that keeps me from cracking. I mean, I like Walnut. But every time I feel that surge of adventure (like for yesterday or every weekend in general) theres always no where to go. NO PLACE AT ALL. I always feel like I couldn't stop. Walnut makes you feel like you have to keep moving, keep going and keep up. Its exhausting. Like theres no space to sit. To breathe. To wait. Youre expected to keep moving because if you stop, your screwed. I just need to try to find something that's real right in front of me in the square town I currently occupy..
There is the constant undercurrent of the days, afternoons, and nights that stream into each other seamlessly. Time has reverted to that period of life when you can't recall the specific day of the week or month and all you know is that it is almost summer. I like the idea to the feeling of summer. Dont we all? Wake up whenever, make breakfast whenever, bug people to get up anytime, and begin the day whenever. Chill, go out, watch TV, make lunch, eat dinner, clean, and go back to bed. Rinse. Repeat.
I really cant wait. But for now, Seeya.
And it was absolutely lovely.
Just lovely.
Ive said it before, but my relationship with the city of Walnut is depressing. I truly believe that I was not destined to live here. And I spent the 3 years living here debating the reasons of whether there is a better place. I grew more and more reticent about this eventuality. But theres always something off, always Someone, that keeps me from cracking. I mean, I like Walnut. But every time I feel that surge of adventure (like for yesterday or every weekend in general) theres always no where to go. NO PLACE AT ALL. I always feel like I couldn't stop. Walnut makes you feel like you have to keep moving, keep going and keep up. Its exhausting. Like theres no space to sit. To breathe. To wait. Youre expected to keep moving because if you stop, your screwed. I just need to try to find something that's real right in front of me in the square town I currently occupy..
There is the constant undercurrent of the days, afternoons, and nights that stream into each other seamlessly. Time has reverted to that period of life when you can't recall the specific day of the week or month and all you know is that it is almost summer. I like the idea to the feeling of summer. Dont we all? Wake up whenever, make breakfast whenever, bug people to get up anytime, and begin the day whenever. Chill, go out, watch TV, make lunch, eat dinner, clean, and go back to bed. Rinse. Repeat.
I really cant wait. But for now, Seeya.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Slurpme
Today after school, I went to Camerenes house. After raiding her fridge for milk, leftovers, and oreos I apparently passed out on her bed since the last thing I remember is Camerene talking to me and then drifting off into 500 degree weather. When I woke up, I felt a little better but I was still in a bad mood and decided to get some slurpees from 7/11. Bad mistake, I have a headache and this slurpees getting to me.
Possible schedule for Sophmore year(In no particular order):
-Mustang Update*
-Racket Sports
-Algebra 2H
-French 1
-Chemistry H
-English 2 H
-Human Geo AP* (*=Maybe for Honors classes)
Im not so sure about taking Mustang Update since this years class was sort of lame. Pretty really lame. But then again Im still thinking about it. If not, probably Digital Photography/ Videomaking semester classes. Today was the first day to our CSTs. I hate how a simple multiple choice test can determine the rest of your life. They put so much pressure on us they dont even come close to understanding the damage theyre doing to us. And when I say they, I mean THEY. You know who you are.
Good news though, the highest it will get tomorrow will be to the 70's. YES. Maybe then I wont feel as shitfaced as I felt today. Im going to go take a nice hot steamy shower now, Have a goodnight. One day down, 37 more to go.
Possible schedule for Sophmore year(In no particular order):
-Mustang Update*
-Racket Sports
-Algebra 2H
-French 1
-Chemistry H
-English 2 H
-Human Geo AP* (*=Maybe for Honors classes)
Im not so sure about taking Mustang Update since this years class was sort of lame. Pretty really lame. But then again Im still thinking about it. If not, probably Digital Photography/ Videomaking semester classes. Today was the first day to our CSTs. I hate how a simple multiple choice test can determine the rest of your life. They put so much pressure on us they dont even come close to understanding the damage theyre doing to us. And when I say they, I mean THEY. You know who you are.
Good news though, the highest it will get tomorrow will be to the 70's. YES. Maybe then I wont feel as shitfaced as I felt today. Im going to go take a nice hot steamy shower now, Have a goodnight. One day down, 37 more to go.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Autopilot
Current State: The Warning by Hot Chip
Ive been relating my mood to music lately. I just happen to find these songs that I could relate to so well. It probably never happened to me before for the only reason that I never really cared about the lyrics. Usually, Id like a song for its music or beat. But now, I’m becoming obsessed with the lyrics and I want to find their meaning. I think its becoming another phase.
When there is just nothing that makes me smile anymore, not my family, friends, nothing; I go to the apples. I peel a bunch of Costco Fuji apples and go eat them while reading a nice book with some relaxing iPod music to play in the background. And why did I feel I should do this today? I have no idea. I feel as if Im living life on Autopilot. I cant really think Right right now. Things come out wrong and Id spend my free time doing nothing. I keep feeling this constant feeling of apathy and I feel like shit. Okay, not really. Maybe not as much now. But I’m just really sad that today isnt Friday yet. I want to erase these feelings. I want to feel better again. I want to be around people having fun, but then again, I want to be alone. Im pretty much done with school. Im just not as interested anymore and even with the CSTs coming up, I still don’t have the motivation to sit through another day of classes. Ive noticed we may all be so different, but were all the same. In the end, we all want the same thing. We all want to leave school to live on our own, to have our own lives to do what we want. No uptight parents or messed up adults to ruin it all. Seriously.
And for you, youre probably sick of my complaints. Im sorry if this has been bothering you and Im sorry for making you worry. Im trying my best to stop feeling this way. Okay I will.
I need an apple right now. Have a good end to the day. The next two are gonna take forever.
Ive been relating my mood to music lately. I just happen to find these songs that I could relate to so well. It probably never happened to me before for the only reason that I never really cared about the lyrics. Usually, Id like a song for its music or beat. But now, I’m becoming obsessed with the lyrics and I want to find their meaning. I think its becoming another phase.
When there is just nothing that makes me smile anymore, not my family, friends, nothing; I go to the apples. I peel a bunch of Costco Fuji apples and go eat them while reading a nice book with some relaxing iPod music to play in the background. And why did I feel I should do this today? I have no idea. I feel as if Im living life on Autopilot. I cant really think Right right now. Things come out wrong and Id spend my free time doing nothing. I keep feeling this constant feeling of apathy and I feel like shit. Okay, not really. Maybe not as much now. But I’m just really sad that today isnt Friday yet. I want to erase these feelings. I want to feel better again. I want to be around people having fun, but then again, I want to be alone. Im pretty much done with school. Im just not as interested anymore and even with the CSTs coming up, I still don’t have the motivation to sit through another day of classes. Ive noticed we may all be so different, but were all the same. In the end, we all want the same thing. We all want to leave school to live on our own, to have our own lives to do what we want. No uptight parents or messed up adults to ruin it all. Seriously.
And for you, youre probably sick of my complaints. Im sorry if this has been bothering you and Im sorry for making you worry. Im trying my best to stop feeling this way. Okay I will.
I need an apple right now. Have a good end to the day. The next two are gonna take forever.
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