Love lost.

Stop complaining.

He deserves so much more. I'd like to believe, but I don't believe I am acting quite so very awesome at the moment. I've been noticing a fine line between expectations and reality in my mind that's been keeping me from fulling grasping my opportunities or at least treating this man right. But it's not just a thin fine line, or a dotted black line; it's a thick and unrelenting gloomy wall that keeps me from being how I want to act or should act. Let's call him Mr A. A for awesome. I don't give enough time or thought in my day for him. I don't give him enough thanks. And here he is still drowning me in this unconditional love and I constantly forget to return the favor. It's not fair is it? I act in ways and see what I've become. What is this short tempered complication I've morphed into? Surely it isn't the lady hormones again. No, it isn't that time Tom. Yet all the while, my apathetic mind is starting to take over even more and it's starting to show. But do I care? I'm still looking at my days with an ungrateful frown. Yes, always feeling that urge again to just move far away, somewhere up north. Somewhere I don't know anyone and can leave this confused monster behind. What life. How am I? Am I happy? Am I awesome? Not at the moment no.

10 Bitter Truths

1. Complete honesty is a complete lie.
2. Money is essential to long-term happiness: romantic love is not.
3. Every human being is a paradox. Some hide it better than others.
4. All sex has consequences, most of them dire.
5. Marriage is sacred only to those who have never been married.
6. Never underestimate the tendency of human beings to act contrary to their own best interests.
7. Were it not for fear of getting caught, most of us would behave like savages.
8. The older you get the faster time moves until months pass like days.
9. There is no such thing as living happily ever after.
10.The world only gets worse.

This song.

It wasn't love at first sight when I watched Napoleon Dynamite for the first time. Some told me this was the first of its kinda. With the artistic handwritten font credits and the individually awkward personalities.. heck, the movie practically SCREAMED indie. But even though I never actually (and still to this day) fully enjoyed this movie, I did enjoy this one scene. It spoke to me. Telling me that no matter what people think, say or how they would look at you, just screw them and live to your hearts content. Or just dance. Corny as that sounds. Its true. Who cares if people think you look weird? As long as you have fun with it, right? This movie reminded me of this and also reminded me, I really gotta learn this dance.

"Gonna dance, gonna dance my blues away tonight
Canned heat in my heals tonight."

-- More like gonna blog my blues away. But you get the picture.

When you're feeling down.

A guy is driving around and he sees some penguins on the side of the road. He picks them up in his van and starts showing them the sights, but a cop sees him and pulls him over and says "Sir, I want you to take these penguins to the zoo." So the next day the same cop sees the same guy with the same penguins and he pulls him over and asks "Sir I thought I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THE PENGUINS TO THE ZOO!" and the man says back "I did, today we're going to the beach!"

So a panda walks into a restaurant and he eats everything on the menu, pulls out a machine gun and shoots up the place but doesnt kill anybody. The manager comes out pissed and says Wtf???? But the panda says Well sir, you obviously don't know the eating habits of pandas. Maybe you should look them up he says. So the manager goes to the back and looks at his encyclopedia and it says EATING HABITS OF PANDAS: EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES

This blog will not make sense.

I don't know why but I'm extremely disappointed right now. Disappointed about what, you ask? I really have no clue. Or do I not have the guts to admit it? I keep forgetting. I forget and I remember then I forget again. As soon as I try anything, the world closes in on me. Well not the world. More like my mind. It's all in my mind. My pessimistic mind.

It’s not late at all and my parents are up and about the house intermittently talking to each other and to me. Sounds melding in between the melodies of my earphones and conversations typed up to me in little boxes on the screen. I feel so far away from it all. Everything is here, everything exists, it all must exist, but it means nothing to me, there’s nothing tangible, I can’t reach any of it; maybe I’m the one who doesn't exist. Is it fair to give me the illusion that I exist when I don’t know how to exist? But nothing is ever fair. I've become a shadow in the mists of everyone else's personalities. You know, I'd much rather help everyone but myself. I dont know how to help myself. Once I've helped everyone, I'm back to square one. Me. And then its just awkward conversations from there. I don't know how to deal with myself. And I have no way or idea on how to start. But even though I prefer helping others, my helplessness towards myself always bothers me and I don't know what to do about it. It's not fair, is it? When I'm around someone, I am full of life. They fill my balloon mind of air composed of the everyday necessities to think, wonder and breath. But once that is gone, I am nothing. I become the empty shell balloons become once they lose their air. Do you see? No you don't see. Even I don't see. Because this blog does not make sense. Well I guess nothing I am saying now can make sense since my mind is in such a state. I just compared myself to a balloon.

What is this feeling I'm feeling? What are these thoughts? I spend my days watching the person I become like a spectator at a sideshow. I am not satisfied with who I've become. Not yet. Is this really me? Did you ever question your day like that? Ramble ramble ramble. My mind is a jumbled mess. If only I could have the heart to stop and pick up the mess one by one. Clean it up and tap it back to orderly peace. But just like my tornadoed mess of a room, I will save this mess for later.