When the hell did I get so flippin insecure?

Mend the bond torn by pride

Well if you haven't noticed already, it is certainly very difficult for me to forgive someone, or admit to any kind of wrong doing. Whether its my dogmatic pride clinging to my being; I can't even think up the words to begin forgiveness. I have no faith in my forgiveness at all & sooner than you'd realize, I'd hold severely damaging grudges- even if I may have "forgiven you". Empty words. I never thought I'd be the person to hold such grudges (since I've frowned upon how pathetic it is to never move on) but here I am, the sweet little short haired hypocrite.

I hate when these moments happen. Of course it's easy for you. But you have to understand what I go through. Unlike you, it's hard for me to just pin point a problem and explain it out loud. I can't just tell you a tangible explanation of why I did what I did, you have to simply be patient with me, and TRY understanding, pride aside. I guess you'd say it's unfair that you'd have to push your pride away first in order to understand me, but you certainly seem more self aware than I ever will be. You could sit there silently and list out your points just as that, whereas all I do is take it all in and break the faucet of uncontrollable tears. I don't even cry that hard, yet my ears begin to throb, as if I'm going deaf and it refuses to hear anymore hurtful things.

I am honestly really hurt right now.

There.

I laid that out for you.

I would like to think I at least seem like I'm trying, like I try to see things from your perspective and not argue for my side, but apparently I don't. I don't know what the problems are. I wish you could understand how I feel, what I think and had to keep from you to stay happy. But I guess all those hidden lies are about to surface and they're becoming pretty apparent. All that arguing and I'm so tired already. I know, we have to talk out these problems, but a lot of times I wish we could just act like it never happened and keep on. The happiness isn't fake though. If that's what you're worried about. It's true genuinely caring love happiness. But I guess that's not enough to keep you from watching the TV instead of holding a dinner conversation with me.

A Midnight in Paris

“Nostalgia is denial. Denial of the painful present. The name for this denial is Golden Age thinking - the erroneous notion that a different time period is better than the one ones living in - its a flaw in the romantic imagination of those people who find it difficult to cope with the present.”

@#$%^&

Orientation tomorrow. Both excited and unprepared (of course). Hopefully I don't make a fool of myself! Sigh.. to my meaty Ms. Trunchbull man calves.