Joshua Springs

A night of escape to Joshua Springs. The spawn of Palm Springs and Joshua Tree; the middle that meets in between. A small town where everyone knows each other and have street car conversations at red stop lights. Antique shops at every block. The land of Napoleon Dynamite: quiet, desolate and beautiful. Peace from all your suburban worries to just relax and look up at the excellent dark and rural sky of stars and satellites. The lingering smokiness of campfire left on your clothes. The crackling of the burning wood in the company of the lorax trees.. I absolutely love holiday breaks. The best time for a sigh of relief.

Bird Hazard

Antenna - the middle that meets in between.







Le whores de le caméra

Sur la montagne



I've never seen so many stars since 6th grade.

In the midst of the morning dew

Futuristic tube trailer

Deux amoureux tout étourdis

I cant wait until the day someone will ask "How are you?" and I could finally, truthfully smile back "I'm doing great."

The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat

Tonight, we watched Cats live at the Candlelight Pavilion; a privately owned dinner theater we've been going to since my laced sock days (you can say it's kind of a family tradition). Watching these shows always inspire me to just be more "out there" and a better actor. But I have a problem between dreaming about something and actually doing it. You see, in my mind, I am this wonderful outgoing person with this spontaneous personality and dynamic character that I'm not afraid to show (kind of like the characters on stage). But all these thoughts of my dream self are filtered through my worries and judgmental fears from others that I end up becoming this introverted fart with low confidence. Well anyways, I drank my first full cup of coffee tonight watching the show and I couldn't stop feeling so jittery! Normally I don't drink coffee because one small sip overwhelms me with this massive headache, but I had to wake up. So now there's this weird feeling running through my blood stream. It's like that nervous shake you get before you go up on stage and can't keep still. My hands are sweaty, my mouth is dry, and I have to pee a lot. I probably won't be able to sleep well tonight..

ANYWAYS. Watching the show, my mind was moving a mile a second critiquing the music, the dances, make up, their acting and my acting. Even though I wasn't actually acting. I kept observing the actor's personalities, how they interacted with each other and how distinct they made every character. All the while, I was constantly thinking of ways I could improve my own character in our school's dinner theater: whether I could be as great as that character on stage or how I would play something out. Up till this point, being in advanced drama has shown me that I'm not that great of an actor/actress as any of the others in my class. I'm just a beginner. I keep struggling with vocal variety, voice clarity and projection. In my mind, my voice sounds loud and clear. But in real life, it's a jumbled mess that's quiet and incomprehensible. I'm struggling so hard trying to get my character right and I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong and not entertaining at all. Agh who knew acting was so difficult?? I wish I was as great as those cats on stage. I wish I could dumbfound audiences as great as they did. I have to say it was a pretty amazing show even though I hate cats. So yes, it was a good night. But I'm never drinking another cup of coffee again.

One wrong look, one critical comment, or one late reply. All things that ruin my day in one second. I have too many feelings in my head that make me worry too much. I wish I could stop, but these one moments fester up and rot my mind and I'm a sad mess again. I am extremely exhausted from today (after 14 hours of staying in school straight) but I cannot keep my mind to itself! Or else it will start whispering sad nothings in my ear again and I will be more of a downer. No spoon fed God session for me tonight. Tonight, I shall instead drown these stupid feelings into satisfying my craving for crepe making. À la prochaine!

1:05-1:30

I am a stubborn person. Even my horoscope and my chinese zodiac confirms it. But I never figured it would be such a problem until recently. I realize that yes, I have been acting a bit down lately: ending my conversations with "Bye, I hate you" or answering my "Where are you going?" with "To go kill myself." We've all contemplated suicide at least once. And yes I have to admit I've been contemplating it more than usual lately. But I've been contemplating it in a different way. Not technically in ways to actually kill myself physically, but emotionally. I've been draining my days of life; of a meaning to smile or even enjoy it. When people come up to me, I still respond, but not in the way that would keep the conversation going, not something to look back to and make you think, life is good. What is it that makes me so comfortable being like this? I'm given so many chances to be better and change. Yet I don't even try. It's as if I'm trying so hard to be as antisocial and misanthropic as I could. Why? Is it the fear of that awkward moment? The fear of judgement? Of what to say next? Of losing another friend. My relationship with people is moderately okay at the moment. It's in the middle where you are neither at jeopardy of losing a person, but close enough to at least start a small talk conversation. I dont want to ruin it. So I've built this wall around myself that's covered in fuzzy warm surroundings that I've grown so comfortable in and I'm too stubborn to get out. Yes, I give up too easily. I don't even have the motivation to try. It's hard to get back up when there's no reason to. Maybe this is just a subconscious test to see who are the people that stick, even with my depressing mood. Or maybe I just want attention, that's where most of these thoughts derive from don't they? Ahh but that's so pathetic.. If only I could just snuggle in bed and watch How I Met Your Mother all day. That would make me happy.