This is not a poem

I have to constantly remind myself that
Faith is complete trust,
no doubt about it.
Hope is longing for something..
more of an optimism thing.
You know there is a possibility it wont happen.
But you hope it will happen.
You WISH it will happen.
But it may not.
Hope leads to expectations that may be disappointing.
I have to constantly remind myself to live life with faith,
and rarely hope.

A friend in need is a friend indeed

This blog will contain horrendous transitions between paragraphs. Excuse my fragmented thoughts.

Yes, I have trust issues. But is it so wrong to feel that no one but yourself can help your own problems? Anytime I vent or open up my emotional mind to someone, all they can say is generic feel better sayings like "Oh it's going to be okay" or "Don't worry." I'm sorry but those sayings do not work. It's not that those phrases were being told in vain, but more like.. the actual words ... didn't work on me. Its the action in being there and cheering me on was what worked. Not telling me everything is going to be okay. Because most of the time I honestly think everything is not okay. I don't need pep talks. I see the concern on others faces and all I feel is not the comfort from their presence or listening ear, but rather the pity they have and the feeling of throwing a crapload of more burdens on them. Yes, pity. But that's just how I feel. Even if I were wrong, even if they genuinely cared about my situation, I feel nothing. Should I be worried?

To those of you who've felt like neglected vegetables atop a child's dinner plate, I am truly sorry. My minds been going through storm after storm lately and I find myself wanting to be more antisocial or shout at your face angry whenever I speak. I don't mean it. These situations have just been changing me to another low point of my life.

The fact that I can put on a smile so easily after two periods of straight up sleeve soaked crying fascinates me. It also saddens me to know that I'm living my day like a lie. But its stress relieving, to smile. Even though you know its fake.

I am quite ready to press the fast forward button any second now. Fast forward to next summer where I will be working in Texas, starting my life to study Restaurant Managing at Cal Poly Pomona. I am so sick of these high school faces. I need some change.

We shall get through this year even if it kills us.

Facade

Rereading what I write online in conversations and realizing how bubbly and happy I sound. Disgusting.

I hate to admit it, but Im still really bitter about peer counseling. 1) for not accepting me into PC 2) for ignoring you. But I guess its not their fault. I know that is a very selfish and pointless reason to be so angry about, but I can't help it. I was listening into a PC talking to a parent about the class and the PC said something like "we help kids who feel suicidal.." and the parent asked "how do you find these kids?" and the PC said the kid can go to their glc and and we help. And all the while Im just thinking, what a load of bullcrap. PC doesnt help students. If they really knew kids that were depressed then kids like me wouldnt be feeling like I do at school everyday. I feel Im pushed down and away from my attempts to feel a part of something and then my low self esteem takes over and I feel alone and suicidal again. I feel this deep pain my chest. Like the feeling you get when youre about to cry, but you hold back your tears right before you burst. But this feeling lasts. Its not just a second, its been happening for awhile now. And I dont know why I cant just control my mind. Why I cant just stop thinking so lowly of myself or bitterly towards others and just smile genuinely for once and live. I know Im given the chance to fit in, to talk and be a part of the student life, but the idea just doesnt seem appealing enough for me to step out of my introvert mind and actually get to meet people. Everyday I feel like Im dying a little every extra second I spend in high school. I feel like this feeling might last. And Im terrified of that.

On another note, I feel like Im losing myself in my faith. Yes already. Ive only experienced the PRESENCE for such a short time and already I feel like Im slipping away. It was great while it lasted but again, I find myself going through this tugowar between logic and faith and as of now, logic is winning. I dont know which side to take and I cant stay in the middle to compromise. Im not sure of what to do or believe in. But Im hoping whatever happens, it happens for a good reason and Im satisfied with it.

I just shoved my earring down my infected ear hole.. I hope this doesn't turn out horribly. It actually didn't hurt as much as I thought, but then my foot kicked the hair dryer and pain revisited my mind all over again.

"We have nothing if not belief." -C.S. Lewis

I've never fully experienced the grace of God. The only thing I remember of church (or much less opening the bible) is the itchy lace socks, after chinese lunches and random fully grown men on their knees sobbing uncontrollably. I never understood it. I only went because I had to, not because I wanted to. But nonetheless, the idea of God was embedded into my mind and I don't think I've ever lost the idea that God (or some other great force) exists. I guess I've just forgotten and lost my interest in him at the time. This didn't bother me until about two years ago when I started searching for God again (at my lowest point of course). But because I was expecting the impossible, I found my faith tested to the greatest length possible. And I failed the test becoming what any person becomes when their hopes are crushed and expectations not met: bitter. I became bitter at life, people, happy people, and especially in God. But not to the extent where I completely denounced the idea of his existence. Where I'm going with this almost rant explanation is that, now that I think about it, if it weren't for that tiny strand of faith still lingering in God, I might've never been able to refresh that faith again. And it isn't just a refreshed faith, but also an amazing friendship. Of all the events that couldve gone in the way, my summer came out to be like this and provided me with the ability to get closer in this friendship. Like "it happened for a reason." I should be thankful for everything I have and experience on a day to day basis. But Im trying. My beliefs are still swaying from side to side, dangerously unbalanced. But Im trying. Baby steps.

On a side note, I found the secret to insomnia. Well technically speaking, just sleeplessness. nahness.(Its eating!) After an adventure at Pasadena, its no wonder my minds still wide awake. And finally I go downstairs to satisfy my rumbly grumbles in my tumbles and melt myself a scoop of orgasm spinach cheese chip dip with a side of OJ to wash it all down. Now my eyelids are drooping as fast as Goldilocks getting food coma. But enough about now, I shall shortly update you about before! Life shall be good for this next week. Why? Because its my last week before school starts. GASP. The last week I can stay up till 3 AM just to eat spinach cheese chips... Well yes. School starts. Let me simplify my summer for you:

-5 AP tests were stolen = ruined expectations for adventures
-Fourth of July: BOAT ADVENTURE
-Spending my time with genuine hearts
-I learned how to pray. Yes pray. But I always end up crying for some reason.
-Working on perfecting the most perfect cream puffs and macaroons
-Visits to senior homes.
-Finished Charmander pillow, moving on to Wobbuffet then possibly $60 more for a Spongebob pillow
-Won 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 4th place in Dboat this year only by half a second. But we got 2nd place medals and a glass plaque my butterfingers held.
-Maroon 5 Concert July 25th at the Hollywood Bowl! Closest Ive ever been to Adam Levine, Javier Colon, Stevie Nicks, and TRAIN.
-Apparently about $400 were taken out of my bank account so my mother could pay the bills because my father fails to pay child support.
-Saving up for my very own car.
-Going to see a $500 Toyota for sale tomorrow!
-I have $2 left in my wallet. (in coins)

And now this song below is stuck on repeat in my head (go ahead, press play!)