An Overture To The Commencement Of A Very Rigid Journey

If last night's weather forecasted pouring rain, it would have been extremely appropriate. It was a night of many catharses- my conclusion to a now completely surreal experience. It wasn't the best night of my life, but at the same time I felt so happily relieved. High school both started and ended in apprehension for what was to come and what I've left behind. I'm afraid I've left regrets and horrible experiences that have shaped my pessimism but after graduation, I feel as if I've gone through a rejuvenation where I can now be the person I've always hoped yet feared to be. All those evil thoughts of the past, all that sad negativity has been cleansed away in the many warm embraces I've given and probably would never give again. I'm surprised it was all such painless goodbyes. It still hasn't dawned on me that these are faces I may never see again. Maybe it's because I've always rushed my leavings and never truly understood the meaning of a goodbye, that it's meant to be cherished and bittersweet. I did feel a tinge of the teary fuzziness for a second, but after I was just extremely ecstatic and smiling idiotically at any other that was dressed in the same ridiculous cap and gown. I have so many plans and dreams, oh so many, & I plan on acting them out now instead of hopelessly dreaming like before. No more wasted opportunities no matter how difficult reality will be. I surely shall start anew, if the fates allow. We can always start anew. I must remember not to lose this sense of self I've just now found. Honestly, nobody really knows where they're supposed to go. But for now, it's time to go live.

Even if I killed you - destroyed every ounce of your physical existence and dusted away the evidence - my mind still wouldn't be at peace.

You won't understand what's going on.

I don't really understand what it is also. But I do know this: I really really just want someone to simply emotionally punch me in the face. Yea I don't get it either. I basically just want to argue with someone. And it can't be just any argument with just any one. It has to be with someone I love, someone I care about or think of constantly; bickering of a little something where it would hit hard and hurt the most. I want them to call me out on every little flaw I have, every thing I've ever done to hurt them and hurt me back in the process. Everyone I know is so passive. They just take in all my angry remarks and say "I don't really feel like talking." But I need someone - someone who could stay with me through this emotional period I'm going through, whatever it is, someone who could scream back instead of letting the phone go silent and not know what to say. Someone that could hurt me just the same. I don't know why, but that's what I've really wanted. An argument. A fight. I'm tired of all the unspoken silences and dismissive looks. I need this fight, so that when it's all over, I shall never talk to this person again and I will lose that person I love so then, I would have lost everything, and then I could start over. Because you don't begin to live until you've lost everything.

I'm going about this the wrong way aren't I? Okay. Time to call to apologize.

A Series of Frustrations

It's at its last breath; teetering on a very dangerous edge and barely holding on. People ask me how you're doing but I honestly don't know myself. I can never talk to you. I never do. In fact we only speak for a few min a day. Sometimes a few words a day. Like we never established anything at all for the last two years. Every time I try or whenever I need someone to talk to, I try to confide in you. But you're never there for me. Always busy or in some loud place. Never again can we just lay in bed and smile sleep to the phone.

I guess this is what I wanted. But why does it still hurt so much? I thought I was better. I thought I could take it. But after this small meeting, it's all back to normal. I really want to just, shut myself in a place no one could reach me until I'm better again. I can't even concentrate right now..