This blog will not make sense.

I don't know why but I'm extremely disappointed right now. Disappointed about what, you ask? I really have no clue. Or do I not have the guts to admit it? I keep forgetting. I forget and I remember then I forget again. As soon as I try anything, the world closes in on me. Well not the world. More like my mind. It's all in my mind. My pessimistic mind.

It’s not late at all and my parents are up and about the house intermittently talking to each other and to me. Sounds melding in between the melodies of my earphones and conversations typed up to me in little boxes on the screen. I feel so far away from it all. Everything is here, everything exists, it all must exist, but it means nothing to me, there’s nothing tangible, I can’t reach any of it; maybe I’m the one who doesn't exist. Is it fair to give me the illusion that I exist when I don’t know how to exist? But nothing is ever fair. I've become a shadow in the mists of everyone else's personalities. You know, I'd much rather help everyone but myself. I dont know how to help myself. Once I've helped everyone, I'm back to square one. Me. And then its just awkward conversations from there. I don't know how to deal with myself. And I have no way or idea on how to start. But even though I prefer helping others, my helplessness towards myself always bothers me and I don't know what to do about it. It's not fair, is it? When I'm around someone, I am full of life. They fill my balloon mind of air composed of the everyday necessities to think, wonder and breath. But once that is gone, I am nothing. I become the empty shell balloons become once they lose their air. Do you see? No you don't see. Even I don't see. Because this blog does not make sense. Well I guess nothing I am saying now can make sense since my mind is in such a state. I just compared myself to a balloon.

What is this feeling I'm feeling? What are these thoughts? I spend my days watching the person I become like a spectator at a sideshow. I am not satisfied with who I've become. Not yet. Is this really me? Did you ever question your day like that? Ramble ramble ramble. My mind is a jumbled mess. If only I could have the heart to stop and pick up the mess one by one. Clean it up and tap it back to orderly peace. But just like my tornadoed mess of a room, I will save this mess for later.

It has begun!

And all I've been is lazy lazy lazy. Today tested me on how outgoing my mind can be with people. You know that moment when you see someone again for the first time in a long time and don't know whether to say hi or keep quiet in fear of risking rejection in case they don't recognize your own face.. yeah that was today. Sadly, I kept within my comfort shell and looked away; acting as if I didn't notice her, and our lives never crossed.

"Begin doing what you want now, we are not lying in eternity." This will go into my list of possible senior quotes for this year. Ha! Look at me thinking about senior quotes and whatnot. It has only been the first two days of summer!

Strfcked

Wake up. Eyes open. 9:12 AM. Stretch. Ow. Pain? Oh.

Well thank God its Monday. Today is a special day. Not only is it Memorial Day, but there is also no school and oh how much I detest school. Hmm, lets see whats on the schedule now at 11:35 AM:
-Synthesis dealio with Mister Silva
-Finish the Great Gatsby in the next 9 hours
-Write last essay on Close Readings
-Screw essay
-Make fried rice for the biggest joke of a class
-Get too lazy to make anything
-Finish study guide for math analysis
-Study for math analysis
-Screw math analysis
-Catch up on Naruto
-Get bored of Naruto
-Check any new episodes of The Office, Glee, The Voice -- nothing
-Clean room
-Scratch that -- Think about cleaning room.
-Stare out the window for 10 min and think deeply about my nostalgic past
-Jest kidding, I just stared at a floating speck of dust for ten minutes instead
-Check time: 1:40 PM
=Total productive progress? Zero

It's as if Im finding all these excuses not to do anything. This year has been really destructive in my work ethic. My mind has easily become subjective to shutting down into a starfcked subconscious where I don't want to think and just party with beats on electro sheets. Only three more days of having to act like I care. Scratch that, one day and two mini days of having to act like I care. And yet it still feels like a lifetime away. Despite everything else, I sure as heck will miss Walnut's Senior Class of 2011 the most out of any other class. I feel so disconnected with my own class, but with 2011, I feel as if I shouldve just been a senior myself. Im really quite fortunate to have met so many of my friends but its a bittersweet type of gratitude I feel toward these friendships. These people, whom I've only gotten close to only in the past year, are set. They're ready to start their their new and better futures and goals free from the SAT stress, finals, applying to colleges, and high school in general. It's amazing how close I got to them in such a short time. While I deeply and honestly am the happiest of little juniors for them, I can't help but feel this overwhelming sense of jealousy. I don't want to go through the process of applying to college and all those little shizzbizz to find out the determining factors of your future. I just want to be where they're at now. Or if anything, graduate with them now. I dont understand their sadness about graduation, but maybe its because when I graduate I wont be sad. All the same, I feel so left behind with them leaving. I want to celebrate their graduation with them, but Im still the junior with the finals to study for in the next one and two mini days. I still have one more year being stuck in this little Nut. And who knows, with the grades Im getting, maybe even more years. But thinking of all this is selfish of me. Just a little side thought before I actually get to work. Time: 2:14 PM. I still didnt find out who shot Gatsby yet.

I need to stop writing about how much I hate school. meh. Best wishes and good luck C/O 2011. You will be missed.

Ctrl C+V

"Oh I wish for a long, laughing, rambling phone message in which every person is talking on a speakerphone and they are all saying, “You have passed the test, it was all just a test, we were only kidding, real life is so much better than that."

Apologies. There hasn't been enough time to present to you a beautiful passage lately. I've just been too busy not caring to care. I have no more original thoughts at the moment. School has stripped me dry to the point where all I have left is this plagiaristic mind and must sadly confide in others to speak out my true feelings with so much more eloquence, I might as well post them here for future reference and thought.

A lot of things are appealing to my senses nowadays, just not in the way I want it to. Is it the senioritis kicking in? Or just the excessive studying I should be putting myself through. What ARE we putting ourselves through? The only society I know of is school. But oh how I want to know so much more than just school. I want to go out, start my restaurant, find good company, be happy. But I can't and I won't be anytime soon. We go through 12 years of school just for several more years of school to jump start our careers to make money. And die. Please don't let this be all there is to it. I feel like I've lost my passion to do the everyday things I should be motivated for. Or at least should care for. What is the point in forcing yourself to study a subject you have no passion for? To keep you well rounded? Please. When else will you be asked to know how many yellow marbles are in the jar, what ship Columbus used to sail to America. You waste several years of your life doing nothing, for nothing. I wonder if it’s worth it. Putting ourselves into this endless cycle to overcome the rat race. Only do a select few of us get out and achieve our life dream. The rest of us, are just stuck never able to rest. I just want to relax. But life doesn't stop for just anyone.

Omgoodness I love this. Inever laughed so much in so long