Was he a good man? Through my eyes, he was. He loved us. From the stories I've heard in the last few days, I've realized how great of a man he's become, a man that I've never had the lucky chance of truly getting to know. Only up till a few months ago, I learned that he had the most epic name ever, Frederick Francis Xavier Yong. Only this past week, I learned that he was once a school teacher at 20, an officer for the education department in his later years and only until this last Wednesday did I learn that he was going to be alright.

He was stubborn a stubborn man - notorious in the senior homes as the one who'd try to run away to freedom on his motor wheelchair. But he was a trusting brother, a caring father, grandfather, family man and friend. His death did not come by accident, but in fact, as a gift in disguise, bringing us all together as family and friends. Being the compassionate man he was, I know he would've wanted that. Whether his presence has helped us moved forward in life or shaped our personalities, he was a great link to the chain reaction of life that we are all a part of. He was a man who had a significant impact on our lives in some way or another. For some, our memories of him are small acts of kindness - an expensive jacket, a gas station push pop treat, soft boiled eggs in the morning. Being around him, or even conversing with him through the phone, you could always feel his love emit through his words. He cared about us, always telling us to do well in school, asking us if we've eaten, and how everyone else is doing. Even with his unstable health, he lived on, always caring about us, reminding us to keep our health even when his own wasn't the greatest. He had a sense of humor. But life is terrible with its timing as always. Today, let's not mourn the loss of a cherished life, but be happy that his pain and loneliness is over. It's true, you can't judge someone at the end stage of their life. 83 years and he still pushed on to the last breath despite all those years of solitude. He's a strong man in a better place now. So rest in paradise to my grandfather, Frederick Francis Xavier Yong.

You will always live on in our hearts.

bleeerrghhh

Looking through old photos and seeing other people have fun in their other lives.. feeling a bit "wish I was someone else" right now.

shitcarmelsays #1

J'ai une amie qui a une charmante personnalité. Ici, il y a une collection de choses chouette elle a dire :

"The entire shitcarmelsays pg will revolve around awkward encounters."

"Did you know that drinking oj makes you twice as likely to pee within two hours?"

[walks past NO DUMPING sign at a nearby Goodwill] "Hey that sign says no dumping, that means you can't breakup with your boyfriend here."

"I think I can pay you back. Let's see how much Bank of Carmel has... I have... two dollars and fifty-six cents... a stamp card to Rainbow Café... and a winter formal picture of Willa Chen."

"Wow Joyce, you're like a parent's wet dream."

"I wanted to buy these shoes from Japan, but I'm not really sure if they can make them anymore since... you know... they had a that earthquake flood."

"Discriminatory bunny s'more plantation [K - ?] I made ghetto s'mores with Annie Grahams and chocolate. There was a single black bunny."

"Btw, I decided I had a dsa crush, then I realized I had dinner with his super cool girlfriend..... Hey wtf Annabel Tang is friends with him on Facebook what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck."

"My roomates mugshots are on pdx mugshots.. I'm jealous of how pretty Caroline's mugshot looks."

"Lol I was on shitmyprofessorsays and 2 of my teachers are on it."

"You know life is hard when tree metaphors about humanity become penises in your mind."

Tragic day, In my mind

Maybe in another universe, everything is at least.. alright. Nothing like the universe here. She would have found her state of mind by now. No lost motivation. Focused, driven and for the most part, full of confidence and self assured. She probably wasn't even fired today, maybe she was even promoted! It was a wonderfully fulfilling day of work. She makes good conversation and profits the company by selling plenty of gluten-free treats. When the time is golden, her shift ends. She sits in her car of the plaza parking lot & proceeds to call her grandfather, relaying the good news. They have a heartfelt conversation, he understands her. He remembers her. No mention of lonely bitterness here. No stubbornness to sponge baths, no sir! He lives well, alive, happy and he is happy for her. She is happy for him. The conversation ends and she starts the car to head home. No thought of inevitable possibilities now - of accelerating into objects immobile and strong. There is no facade of a family as she arrives home. All genuine wife smiles and goodnight husband kisses. She tells them about her promotion, they clink glasses of congratulation and she smiles from the encouragement and approval.

In this moment, she senses a perfect moment of absolute harmony. A surge of love for the world, an urge to keep this feeling constant.. She can do anything right now! She can achieve & tackle any problem with the most admirable force. Nothing to block her from her focus, nothing to cloud her mind. Days like these are usual in this alternate universe and sometimes she wonders how life couldn't be anymore better. But all in all, days end and she heads for bed. As she shuffles her sheets to a comfortable position, she stares ahead and feels a strange feeling of... the slightest dissatisfaction. How absurd! Whatever could she be so dissatisfied about? Her thoughts overcome her.. despite all that she has, she still wants more. But what? The thought puzzles her to sleep and it's from there that she enters her dream state where she finds herself situated in front of a couch where a girl sits, simply staring ahead. What for? She couldn't tell, but the look the girl had was one of complete... emptiness. Like death was written all over her emotionless brow and the girl didn't look too far from accepting it either. Then, a subtle movement. She looks closer to the girl's face. It's a tear falling slowly across her face. The girl is crying! She feels a sudden urge to comfort the girl, but then a boy appears. Who is this? She does not know, but she watches as he sits by the girl, wiping her tears. He tells her his corny jokes and she laughs. Suddenly the girl is all better, smiling and vibrant, far from that initial state. As She watches their interaction, she begins to feel jealous! She wants this boy, this comfort and happiness this girl has. Could this be the dissatisfaction she felt just moments before? She begins to long for someone to be there, someone to hold & notice her... then as if they never noticed before, the girl looks up and sees her. The boy turns in the same direction as they both notice her presence. She gasps, and runs to disappear - as if ashamed she witnessed an intimate moment that wasn't her place to see. Yet her feelings hold with the thought of the boy. She awakes to an equally strange feeling, a feeling of longing as she lay in bed considering the remembrance of a dream still apparent on her mind. She feels sorry for the girl in her dreams, sorry for her sadness, but then she begins to feel sorry for herself, for not being the girl in her dream universe. At least the girl had that boy & because of that, maybe that girl is happy. Maybe in that other universe, everything is at least.. alright.

Morning Talk w/ Carmel Yang

C - "That's the funny part! People's taste preferences change. What seemed so important is now so trivial. I guess that's why most relationships are like plants, they need nurturing and watering and shit. Except my love for Matt, which is like a fucking desert cactus. Or a Joshua Tree.

K - Yes all plants need shit to survive. Steaming hot cow manurree~ Omfg life makes total sense now. I like desert cactus. I always thought Joshua Trees looked like hairy penises.. more than cactus's.. actually.. goddamn as I type this out I'm starting to realize they both do. Waaah penisses in my mind..

C - "You need shit to make the plant stronger. But sometimes a plant will die even if you nurture it deeply. Dude someone is craving the d... and lol that's fitting for my love I guess.

JFK

Jo

Fuck I mean J k "

K - You know life is hard when you get a commonly used term that is truth 50% of the time mixed with an assassinated president.

C - "You know life is hard when tree metaphors about humanity become penises in your mind."

He and I

When words run dry,
he does not try,
nor do I.

We are on par.

He just is,
I just am
and we just are.

-Lang Leav

What's worse? Realizing how you're slowly losing all of your past friends one at a time... Or realizing how little fuck you give if you do..

I hate surprises.

What a Hoot

Theres an owl hooting next to my window. Ive never had an owl hoot next to my window before. Although it's probably the sole distraction from falling to a peaceful sleep, I kind of like this new company.

Hello new friend.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

A lone coyote howl in the walnut hills set off a cacaphony of surburban dogs barking at empty noise. This eventually led to setting off wailing car alarms and police sirens to annoy the early morning night throughout my street. Ugh. I think a coyote just died.

I had such a stupendous nap dreaming of nostalgic times with my grandpa. Now Im woken up, wide awake sleeping until never simply because my considerate fob only calls back whenever he 'feels like talking.' What a douchetit.

The Forehead Wrinkles Guide to Making the Perfect Macaron

I won't say I've perfected the process, but I would like to believe I've at least gotten very close to making decent macarons. Alas, based solely on numerous webpage bookmarks, trialerror runs, and tears, I've come up with my own method. So here's my take on it..

There are two basic ways to make macs- the French or the Italian method. The French method is easier to do as you gradually pour the sugar in as the egg whites are whipping, but is also more prone to failure since the macaronage (folding the dry ingredients into the meringue) can be easily one fold too much and the mixture will flatten and your macs won’t rise. The Italian way involves melting the sugar with 50g water to a certain point in a pot first (involves a candy thermometer) and then gradually pouring it into the mixed egg whites. Because the sugar is cooked first, the Italian way is less prone to failed macarons, but will have more clean up, if you want to deal with that. This method leans a bit more to the French way.

What you’ll need:
-A gram scale (measure out all your ingredients beforehand to save time)
-Mixer with detachable whisks (hand or standing mixtures, as long as the speeds indicated)
-Food processor, or a really amazing blender that turns everything into fine powder
-Zip lock bags (for piping out the shells/ filling)
-Big mixing bowls
-Baking pan/ baking sheets
-Spatula
-Sifter
-Lots and lots and infinity amounts of patience
-A dood to help you wash the dishes because washing dishes sucks

for the macarons shells:
110g almond flour (crushed up almonds)
200g powdered sugar
90g aged egg whites (about 3 eggs)
30g fine granulated sugar
(for other flavors like chocolate- add 3 tbs of coco powder/ pistachio – add crushed up pistachios/ earl grey – 2 tea bags of earl grey/ lemon- minced lemon zest, etc)

Step 1- Split eggs for egg whites, set aside- then prepare your dry ingredients
1. Thoroughly mix together your almond flour and powdered sugar + any extra ingredients for flavor in a food processor. Sift several times until there are no more big lumps in it. The finer the mixture, the smoother your macs will be. Set aside.

Step 2- Making your meringue
Most recipes ask for you to “age your egg whites,” as in prepare your egg whites at least 24 hrs beforehand. This is to decrease the moisture in the whites so that your meringue will fluff up easily and will help the macs rise. You basically want as little water or moisture to be in this whole process; that includes folding it at the right amount, the more folds, the more air that is being folded out and thus the mixture becomes more watery. The wetter your mac mixture becomes, the harder it is to pipe out since it will spill everywhere and won’t keep a firm shape. So you get a lot of mitosis & meiosis looking macarons on your baking sheet and that’s a pretty depressing sight. But age no more! This different meringue method only requires you to have your eggs sit for an hour or two before, as long as it’s brought to room temp.

1. Dump sugar and egg whites in mixing bowl
2. Beat whites and sugar for 3 min at speed 4
3. Beat for 3 more min a speed 6
4. Beat for 3 more min at speed 8 (you can add color or flavoring at this point)
5. Beat for 1 min at speed 10

Your end result should be a very light and fluffy meringue. It will look like an ugly and lumpy white cloud (unless you added coloring), not like the normal stiff peak you get from usual recipes, a bec d’oiseau – bird’s beak. Basically you want to be able to beat it to the point where it holds together in a light mass and you could hold the whisk upside down and the foam won’t droop.

Step 3 – Dump all your dry ingredients into the meringue mixture bowl all at once
This is the part that most people dread. It’s the part where one extra fold of the ingredients will either make or break your macs. Just be really careful and have patience. It takes experience over time to know when to truly stop folding.

You want to fold your dry ingredients into your lumpy cloud by using the spatula to slide under, and then fold over. This will be one fold. Be sure not to press the dry ingredients into the cloud. It will slowly fold within itself eventually. This process should take around 50 folds, so count your folds. Stop yourself from folding anymore once you’ve hit that number. You should result in a “glossy, ribbon falling, lava like texture” where you could test it by spooning out the mixture and see that by 20 sec, it smoothes itself out and keeps its shape. NO MEIOSIS MUTATED MICKEY MOUSE LOOKING MACS! It’s always better to undermix than to overmix a batch.

Step 5 - Piping your macarons

Now that you’ve gotten the worst part over with, use the spatula to scoop the batch into a zip lock bag and cut off a tip (not too big). Pipe out the macs evenly to however big or small you’d like, at least 1.5-2 in apart. If undermixed, dip a finger with water and use it to lightly flatten down any peaks that haven’t flattened after being piped out.

Step 5 – Preheat your oven to 400 F and “tap” your macaron pan.
Lift the pan and drop the whole thing on a flat surface a few times. This will take out any air bubbles and also help flatten the macs.

Step 6 – The Baking Process
1. Place pan into preheated oven and immediately turn off. Prop two oven gloves at the corner of the door to let a little air escape. Bake for 6 min.
2. Turn on oven to 350F and bake for 3-4min (until you see the “feet” of the macaron)
3. Turn temp down to 250F and bake for 12 min
4. Turn off oven and leave tray in for a remaining 6-10 min depending on how big you made your macs (smaller macs would only bake for 6 min when bigger ones need longer time.
Yes this process is tedious, but apparently it has a pretty successful guarantee to perfect feet baked macarons. Wait until they’re fully cooled, arrange with same sized partners and sandwich a filling that you piped on. Fillings can be a variety of things from buttercreams, ganaches, or jams. Just as long as your filling is not too watery and can hold its shape so that when the mac is put to its side, it won’t slide apart or melt. I’ve found that ganaches make a suitable filling, but I’m still searching for the perfect one.

A perfect macaron should have even feet at the bottom, a smooth flat top, and a hard crunch surface, yet a melt in your mouth delicious center. You should be able to peel off the macarons cleanly from the baking sheet like you’re removing stickers. If the macs are still sticking to the sheet, that means they are underbaked. You can try to peel them off very carefully, turn them upside down and bake again for another few min in order to dry it out. This should do the trick.

After piping them together, you are practically done! Most macarons do not taste their best right away, in fact they taste better after they’ve “aged” about a day or two piped together. It helps mix the aromas of the filling with the cookie for a more intense flavor. That is why having the right filling is also important because in this aging process, you don’t want the filling to be so moist that it will soak right through your cookie and it will be all soggy and not good at all. That’s why I’ve found ganaches to be the best.

Well that's all folks. Now go get your man to do those dirty dishes and prop your feet down to relax after probably 4 hrs of non stop standing & hard work to make these fickle delicious turds. Don’t worry, time to make them will be faster as you gain experience. But practice practice practice and don’t be discouraged if the first batch turns into a sticky disgusting mess (this is coming from someone who simply just wasted everything and rolled her failed batches together to a little macaron snow man). Don't do that. Find a hungry citizen and give him your failed cookies instead or something. Good luck!

May the macaron gods be with you all.

Rereading things I wrote in the past and sounding so obnoxiously unpleasant.

you are coming home
are you still alone
are you not the same as you used to be?

I met a young man the other day. He claims to possess gold - Neil Young tickets for October at Stubs, an intimate Austin venue. I silently sent jealous death rays of the most abhorrent evil to his soul. Gah, if only I could stay in Texas forever.

I forgot to turn on the AC at night so I woke up in a midnight sweat and decided to blog

I've been reading Hemingway's, The Sun Also Rises.It's a funny thing, how relatable 90 yr old literature could be. I might've as well been Robert Cohn, the discontent citizen wanting to flee far from his discontent life in Paris. Ironic really. I am Robert, California is my Paris, Texas is my South America, and Hemingway is my cousin telling me the most important reminder I needed to get clicked in my head:

"Going to another country doesn't make any difference. You can't get away from yourself by moving from one place to another. There's nothing to that."

I guess I've always seen Texas as a way to get away. I've needed it and I am quite enjoying myself in this time here, but I could never get rid of the feelings of anguish I'd once had before. The heavy insecurities, the self denial of an unsatisfying life.

And all the while, despite all the time that has passed and all the middle school anger emotions I've gone through, I randomly really miss you right now. coolbeanscharliesheen dork. And its not the "miss you" that you'd have to be alarmed of, I promise. Just the missing a once wonderfully dear old friend I wish I still kept. I really don't know what it is that started this thought. Maybe it's the fact that its 5AM here and that was a time we used to talk on and on until the sun came, but if I could just call you or if you were at least coincidentally online at the same time and we could exchange our hellos about our days... that would be really nice.

Lone Star Days

Bullcreek- Austin, TX 5:43 AM (S)

Today commences the 8th day I've been residing in the Lone Star State of Austin, TX. Texas is everything and nothing I've expected. Well for one, there are no actual cowboys and saloons here like in the movies (and yes I was expecting that oddly enough). At most, you'd see a street side show dressed up as a cowboy or the commercials would be jam packed with texan stereotypes. And every so often, you'd run into a true redneck Texan, accent and all. But most here are simply friendly diverse people, smiling to you as you pass them at the door or driving on the street. In my 8 days here I've gotten more experience of what I've dreamed to know in my life. All these questions waiting to be answered at my finger tips.

Thus far, I've learned to be a hostess, pack to go orders, how to bartend with the knowledge of basic mixed drinks, beers, wines, hard liquors, so on & most of all I've gotten to meet new people. There are many small things I've learned as well, such as how to spot a rain cloud, which radio tower has cellphone antennas, or never NEVER touch your hair/face/eat in front of your customers. Simple tips. But common knowledge I would've never known had I never happened upon this trip. It's quite enriching.

Well about the day. I really don't know where to start.. I attempted to make the infamous pistachio macarons today! You would think a restaurant kitchen would have all the supplies you would need to make such a thing but I had literally nothing. Not even a decent sifter. Everything was dirty or dusty mostly for the fact that they rarely use such supplies seeing as it was a cooking kitchen, not a pastry one. We spent $31 on supplies. I stationed myself in a small room next to the kitchen where if I looked to my left, I could see everyone in there working and doing their own business. I began with blending the pistachios. They didn't have a food processor, so I improvised with a highly powerful drink blender. The second I flipped the on switch, it made the highest most, unbearable screeching noise that everyone in the kitchen stopped what they were doing and stared at me. I quickly turned it off, feebly smiled back at them slowly in embarrassment. Ehugghhh. I've gone through 3 different sifters, 1 oversized meat grinding mixer, 3 batches of eggs, 2 ovens, a toaster oven and several seared pieces of baking sheets to result in a burned 1st batch & an under cooked 2nd. This led me to develop horrible feelings for wasting uncle's money and a negative point on my internal baking meter. For those of you that do not know, I have an internal baking meter that turns on whenever I bake. It's a mental thing. When my baked goods come out successfully, the meter is on high and I am happy and eager to bake all day. But when the meter becomes really low, my will to bake goes negative, my whole day is thrown off, I lose the ability to harness common sense & I become extremely depressed& lose all hope to live. Just kidding. But I did feel like I've failed everyone, especially my uncle of whom spent the money and was so excited to taste one of my infamous cookies I've somewhat bragged about perfecting. Highly unprofessional worries sadly.

So out of all the tips and bits I've learned thus far, I've got one piece of random advice for you all: You can't let your personal feelings get in the way of your work. And this means any work or feeling (school project + insecurities, etc). Simple as this tip may be, it took a series of events and time to make the meaning to this advice really sink in. Another something I would've never truly known had I not made my mistakes here and learned for the better. But hopefully and luckily, you wouldn't have to go through the unprofessional embarrassment it takes for this advice. The sooner the better.

6:26 AM (F)

When the hell did I get so flippin insecure?

Mend the bond torn by pride

Well if you haven't noticed already, it is certainly very difficult for me to forgive someone, or admit to any kind of wrong doing. Whether its my dogmatic pride clinging to my being; I can't even think up the words to begin forgiveness. I have no faith in my forgiveness at all & sooner than you'd realize, I'd hold severely damaging grudges- even if I may have "forgiven you". Empty words. I never thought I'd be the person to hold such grudges (since I've frowned upon how pathetic it is to never move on) but here I am, the sweet little short haired hypocrite.

I hate when these moments happen. Of course it's easy for you. But you have to understand what I go through. Unlike you, it's hard for me to just pin point a problem and explain it out loud. I can't just tell you a tangible explanation of why I did what I did, you have to simply be patient with me, and TRY understanding, pride aside. I guess you'd say it's unfair that you'd have to push your pride away first in order to understand me, but you certainly seem more self aware than I ever will be. You could sit there silently and list out your points just as that, whereas all I do is take it all in and break the faucet of uncontrollable tears. I don't even cry that hard, yet my ears begin to throb, as if I'm going deaf and it refuses to hear anymore hurtful things.

I am honestly really hurt right now.

There.

I laid that out for you.

I would like to think I at least seem like I'm trying, like I try to see things from your perspective and not argue for my side, but apparently I don't. I don't know what the problems are. I wish you could understand how I feel, what I think and had to keep from you to stay happy. But I guess all those hidden lies are about to surface and they're becoming pretty apparent. All that arguing and I'm so tired already. I know, we have to talk out these problems, but a lot of times I wish we could just act like it never happened and keep on. The happiness isn't fake though. If that's what you're worried about. It's true genuinely caring love happiness. But I guess that's not enough to keep you from watching the TV instead of holding a dinner conversation with me.

A Midnight in Paris

“Nostalgia is denial. Denial of the painful present. The name for this denial is Golden Age thinking - the erroneous notion that a different time period is better than the one ones living in - its a flaw in the romantic imagination of those people who find it difficult to cope with the present.”